Passing

Truth - We each process the heavy things that happen in our lives differently. There is not one way to do so. The tough reality is that some of the things can happen to us can be so traumatic that we never move through it. Some of what we endure sticks with us for the rest of lives. The hardships that come our way may be too much for us to bear. Sometimes it may just be too difficult. Sometimes we cannot be okay because we just flat out are not. This is passing. 

"The life of the dead is placed in the memories of the living" Marcus Tullius Cicero

*This post is my unadulterated verbal processing of losing someone important to not only me but one of my best friends. They for me were the first to move beyond race in my small town in encouraging the friendship I have with their child. They always made me feel comfortable, welcome, and wanted in their home and their presence. They went out of their way to accommodate me when genuine authenticity. They do not even know how impactful and grateful I am because of who they were and how they treated me with love, and respect. They have me hope that others could be kind in the world. Thank you for letting me be friends with your son. Peace be with you as you pass on. 

Honestly, I don't know what to stay. I am shocked, flabbergasted, and devastated. There really are no words that can describe how I am feeling. I feel defeated, broken, and crushed. My heart is so heavy. My face is downtrodden. My body is cold. I have no desire to eat. All I feel is sadness, helplessness, and inadequacy. My eyes well up with tears and they steam down from face endlessly. Dried, crusty, and salty are the trails left on my face. I shake uncontrollably and breath heavy as if an immovable weight has been placed on my chest. My joy is gone and in its place is nothing more than emptiness. I don't feel anything. I cannot fathom what has happened. It does not seem real. Everything seems so insignificant. Nothing really matters. I don't understand why I'm supposed TJ care about any of the frivolous things that keep me occupied. I'm so tired of tip-toeing around the unspoken. Saying that someone has passed minimizes the gargantuan magnitude of what has happened. They died. Death has come and taken once more. One of who was living is no one. 

How do you mourn? What are you supposed to do? How do you feel? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to think. I don't know how to be. I keep coming back to disbelief. I cannot accept that they are gone, never to come back again. Their voice, their smile, their touch, their laugh, their everything has been taken from this world. Why is the world so cruel. Why does death happen? Why do people die? Why are they taken from those that care about them? No matter how much you prepare you can never be ready. It's just beyond reason. It does not make any sense. It's so awful. Gut-wrenching, foundation shaking, heartbeakingly overwhelming. I just don't get it. I do not understand. I cannot comprehend. Why? Just why? I'm struggling to rationalize this occurrence because it's not freaking rational. It does not compute. There is no acceptable justification. I do not want to believe it actually is the new reality. How can this be? How can this have happened? What does it mean to pass on? All my conceptualizations of heaven, the afterlife, and eternal peace somehow do seem to be enough to calm me down. 

What I cannot stand about myself is how much this is not about me but somehow ends up being about me. How can i be so selfish and focus on the impact it has on me? I do this unfair thing of projecting my deepest fears and those compound making my emotions exponentially more drastic. I cannot fathom losing any of my immediate family. In all honesty, I do not think I could survive or even would want to without them. It may seem extreme but that's my absolute truth. People say death is a natural part of life, well it inherently is not because it brings and end to it. Nothing is natural about having a loved one taken from you. We live our whole lives with people and all of a sudden they go. No. No. No. My mind, my heart, and my soul refuse to accept that. I don't want that. I don't need that. It seems like nature doesn't know what it is doing. God, up above, I struggle with those who say everything has a purpose. I don't know if I believe that - especially ehen it comes to death. He is only supposed to give us what we can bear to handle. No one and I mean absolutely no single soul on this Earth is prepared to tackle death. It is just so heavy. It weighs us down. It defeats us. It changes us. How can we be the same people when those who made us that way are no longer with us? I just don't know what we're supposed to do. We're never taught how to manage this and this may very well be the most difficult challenge we face. It is permanent. Let the gravitas of that hit you on it's way through me. 

What I know is that our minds, hearts, and souls have powerful tools to keep others alive. Memories are what we are left with. Our experiences, stories, and the way those who have passed made us feel. We have to hold on to those things that remind us of them. We have to believe that they are still with us in some ethereal way. Their presence can still be felt if only we allow ourselves to feel it. They left their mark on our souls and it can never be erased. We are better because we have known them. Whatever it takes. Whatever we have to do. However we must process, for however long it takes (I believe it is a lifetime), we get to do that. We get to cry, weep, sob, and wail. We get to yell, scream, and roar. We get to be motionless, void, and apathetic. We get to laugh uncontrollably, smile big, and hug tight. We get to feel all the things we feel. We get to be. Passing is passing, and while we may feel helpless we have to know that there are others here to support us but ultimately no one gets to determine how we feel, or act. This is our journey. Peace be with you all. X


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