"I discovered that my insecurities and my flaws were things that I actually need to embrace, and I let them become my superpowers." Skylar Grey
Is it just me or does anyone else sabotage their relationships before they have the chance to become anything meaningful? I don't really know why I'm like this, or maybe I do, but just have never had the gumption to actually say it out loud. Deep down, I don't think I deserve love for a multitude of reasons but mainly because I have so much fear of being unlovable that it actually manifests itself in me trying to embody that. What I mean to say is whenever I meet someone that I have the potential to like I find something about them, whether it be a character trait, quirk, or something else about them, and I fixate on it. It's often a minute detail but the way my mind goes into overdrive essentially hyperbolizing the thing I've latched on it is truly a wonder of the most dastardly proportions. It could be anything as ridiculous as a crooked tooth, a unique laugh, an out-there catch-phrase, some bold fashion choices, and the list of petty things goes on and on. Once I've locked on I don't stop until I let that insignificant thing be the only thing I associate them with, and effectively lose interest. It's a defense tactic that prevents me from actually having to present myself, flaws, imperfections, inequities, and all as I am to the world, or at least someone else, in that way that is oh so very personal. Keep people at a distance and they can never get in to hurt you. Letting people in however is essential to the human experience and I miss out on true connection in the process.
I'm flawed. We all are. Perfection doesn't exist when it comes to people. I know that. You know that. We know that. Then again, we don't. We know in theory that is untrue but that doesn't mean we don't subject ourselves to the striving to become a non-existent unattainable ideal anyway. There are ways in which we are made to be everything and nothing all the same thing. We're supposed to be all things desirable, in perfect harmony, and all at once. You know how hard it is to be compassionate, strong, ambitious, vulnerable, funny, romantic, sentimental, cultured, composed, etc. We are constantly changing to fit what other people want us to be. If we do so, are we ever being ourselves; do we know who we are if we are constantly in flux? Sometimes I'm just a big ole mess. Why do I have to always be perfectly put together, contained, and poised always? What's wrong with figuring it out as you go every once in a while, dealing with ambiguity, and living in the moment? How is constantly being under the guise of critique helpful to my self-image?
Flaws make us human. They make us real. That makes us accessible. We're all regular people but some people have more practice at hiding our flaws. The thing is that we should not be hiding them. They should be worn with pride when we are able to do so, worked on when they need to be, and embraced always. Name it and know thyself. Only then can we become arbiters of our own self-perceptions. Our opinions of ourselves should always matter most. Social media in all its facets has helped people essentially craft their online personas that can be truly distinct from the reality of their lives. Who we are online should be nothing more than a representation of who we are in real life. When all we do is share the highlights of our lives we miss out on the rest it, the rest of who we are, the full person. I am a proponent of posting about the mundane and the messy. Just to let people know about your goofiness, your silly moments, and those times where things are totally falling apart. If that is going to be our community then let's treat them as such and trust them with the actuality of who we are. It's okay to be extra, to not know what you're doing, and to not have it all together. Everybody is making it up as they go along, and we're all in different places in our lives - comparing them does no good for anyone. We're all flawed but our flaws are often what makes us most well ... us.
Give people grace and be kind. Why are we so critical of others? Who are we to place judgement? What are we hoping to get out of it? There are ways in which we can be useful in helping people change, but the want to do so has to come from them. We should hold our criticism for when it matters and can make the most positive impact. In similar ways, we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to writing people off before we even give them a chance to tell us who they are. And truly is what we need for people to do, not us assuming or crafting their stories for them. Who knows the story of someone else better than they do - hell, we don't even know the full extent of our own stories. We have to tell our inner selves to step aside and stop getting in the way of our own happiness, potential connections, and people who might be best for us. Our "perfect" people may not be who we think we are looking for, and people more often than not surprise us. Just when you think your circle is complete, life sends someone your way to shake things up. It's up to us to be open, willing, and able to accept them - flaws and all, or miss out on the opportunity to know them. It's a struggle but one worth challenges ourselves to do. People are more than the sum of their flaws. X