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Showing posts from July, 2018

Guest

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"It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people." Bryant Gumbel

No one likes to be disliked. It's sewn into our DNA that we just have a general disposition and a need to be liked. We want people to want us. We want them to like us, get excited when we're around, love us. We spend so much of our time devoted to getting people to like us. We shouldn't have to convince, beg, or plead with people for them to like us. We don't owe anyone ourselves. We don't have to give the entirety of who we are, or pretend to be someone else in a futile search for the approval of others. If we have to persuade someone to accept, tolerate, value us then maybe those people truly are undeserving of all that we are. And, and, and, we ourselves do not have to like anyone if we don't want to. "Like" should an enthused, jovial, and benign feeling we have for another person whether friendly or romantic. We get to reserve to righ…

Awkward

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"Awkward' is a ubiquitous teen word to denote socially unsanctioned behavior. It usually implies first- or secondhand embarrassment when you or a friend step outside the rules. Awkward doesn't sound overtly judgmental or negative; it's deliberately vague." Mary H.K. Choi


I'm awkward. I'm nervous. I sweat a whole lot. I talk to myself way too much. I'm constantly in my own head trying to appear comfortable on the outside but I'm internally screaming. Why am I so awkward? Do other people notice how awkward I am? What can I do to be less ... well - awkward? These are the questions that play over and over in my head. I don't know what to do with my hands. I'm not really relaxed but I'm hoping other people perceive me to be. What should I say? When is my moment? Will anyone notice me? Does anyone care whether I'm here? Why does this look so easy for everyone else? Why not me? Social awkwardness is this self-induced purgatory of most debi…

Pretty

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"Beauty is power; a smile is its sword." John Ray

The process of becoming "pretty" or at least "prettier" has been fascinating for me. I vividly remember how people used to look through me, as if I wasn't there, as if I was invisible, as I wasn't even worth a passing glance. Now I get stared at, people do double-takes, and I feel too seen. Couple that with the rarity of my deeply rich blackness in predominantly white spaces and its impossible for me to separate out what's the discomfort or fascination of me being black with me being aesthetically pleasing. Either way, I'm getting a lot more attention because of the way I look and I don't quite know how to deal with it. It seems like a fluke, a practical joke, or some kind of cruel prank but people are genuinely taking an interest in me. The compliments whether it be on my clothing, my smile, or my everything in general just come from every which way. I'm having difficulty accepting …

Out

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"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." Ernest Hemingway

There are people that love going out, and there those that absolutely hate it. I'm somewhere towards the middle of those two extremes. I have this tumultuous relationship with going out, with trusting other people, and with being able to relax enough to actually enjoy myself. I'm uptight. I like things to be planned  - complete with an itinerary. I flail against spontaneity. Maybe it's because I'm an introvert, partially controlling, or inherently wary. Maybe it's because I've never felt welcome/included in spaces where rowdy young people reveled. Maybe because my biggest worry is about getting into trouble, especially with law enforcement, and being on high alert at all times. Who knows, it's probably a mixture of all three and more. Either way, there are so many factors that derail my attempts to thrive in the vibrancy of the young adult social landscape. I…