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Showing posts from April, 2019

Pedestal

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"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou
Being perceived as intimidating is an interesting conundrum. Especially as someone who is hyper-aware of the narratives being projected onto, and around the identities I hold are. Much of my conscious time is spent doing all in my power to lessen my "intimidation" factor. Is intimidation necessarily a synonym for fear - not always - but in the context of me, I have found that people have remarked, once they had the opportunity to know me, that they were afraid to speak to me. Read in to that as much as you would like with what identity dynamics be at play. I smile more than I need to, even the pitch of my voice oscillates to a kinder tone for the appeasement of others, and the list goes on and on. As of late though, a new version of intimidation has been applied as an unwanted label to me, and I imagine many of those who share some of my qualities. People will comment that I'm intim…

Happiness

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"Happiness doesn't depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude." Dale Carnegie


I'm learning how to be happy. I have seen it depicted in so many ways, but all of those never seemed to quite be the right fit for me. People all around me seem happy - seem being the operative word there - but I know happiness can oftentimes be a rarity, or at least a fleeting feeling. Is it supposed to last or be sustained? Is happiness a normal state of being? I don't really know yet. I have found happiness to be a soft smile or a smirk. Happiness for me is a deep breath in that fills my lungs followed by a big exhale. It's being in awe of the world around me for this moment of existential surrealism. It feels like warmth - like wafting aroma of freshly baked bread, the fizz of ginger ale leaping over ice cubes, a gentle breeze billowing through leaves, and the two-tone notes of starting a Netflix binge. Happiness to me is not necessarily excited, joy,…

Grace

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"Grace has been defined as the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul." William Hazzlitt



People are trying their best, most of the time. Give them grace. That applies to us as well - we deserve the grace that we give to others. If we hold that to be true then that changes the way that we interact with others. Instead of a place of hostility, judgement, and criticism, we get to respond to people with compassion, empathy, and kindness. When we slow down, take a second to breathe, and hold our tongues before responding with haste we create a chance to do something significant - give grace. It's that one moment of pause that makes all the difference. Pausing breaks up the breakneck speeds at which we communicate, or rather talk at one another. Pausing disrupts the instantaneous replies that we have formulated in our heads, it sidetracks the pending rebuttals, and it forces us to be fully present take in what someone has shared with us. Pausing forces us to be th…

Chill

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“Consistent positive self-talk is unquestionably one of the greatest gifts to one's subconscious mind.”  Edmond Mbiaka


Something amazing has happened. Something about me has changed. Something significant has occurred. The most striking part is that it's slowly happened over time, and I am just now realizing that it has. I am calm. For the first time in my life my normal state is chill. I have spent my life, so long as I can remember, nervous, slightly anxious, and constantly worried about other people; what they thought of me, how I was showing up, and their experience of me. My regular state was always slightly below a panic, heart racing, sweaty armpits, body tense. My inner dialogue was the other me telling me that I was being weird, asking why I was so awkward, questioning if I deserved to be where I was, concerned if someone would figure me out, and afraid that I was not safe. Perpetual fear is not a way to live. My moments of peace were few, and far between. Alone I have…