Posts

Cleanse

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" There is nothing so cleansing or reassuring as a vicarious sadness." David Rakoff Onward - a word for the year. It's time to move on. It's time to move. It's time. Onward we go. Letting go of things or people who do not serve us can be one of the most challenging and liberating things we can do for ourselves. We can spend so much time trying to rationalize, make things or people fit, hold on when in reality often the solution is the simplest, that people or things are not supposed to be there and we need to let them go. I have found that some simple distance is exactly what is needed to recognize the lack of reciprocity. How different do we feel to be separate from people or things. If we notice there's a shift in our contentment, peace, or joy - for the better - that's a clear sign that whatever we've taken a break from is probably a cause of some unnecessary stress, hardship, or discontentment. What's the logical solution? Let it go.  Walk away

Want

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"You will be too much for some people, those are not your people." If they wanted to, they would. If there's a want, there's a will to make it happen. Meditating on those words the past few weeks has been a much needed reminder about how lackluster people truly can be. It's a recognition of laziness, disinterest, or pure apathy. It's the woes of pining, pleading, and giving power to people who cannot be bothered to choose us in return. If people wanted to communicate with us, spend time with us, be present with us, remember things significant to us, show up for us, care about us, love us, whatever - they would. What and who we choose to spend time on tells us what matters to us. If people are not willing to make time for us, make us happen, and make our connection thrive then we have to be able to address that truth. They don't want to. We cannot will people into being better for us. They have to want to be, and then they have to be. It's a two part p

Accountable

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"The benefits and possibilities that are created created by being personally accountable are countless." Jay Fiset Accountability is truth actualized. Calls for unity without amends are inauthentic means of gaslighting, silencing, and minimizing harm. We cannot and should not move forward on any scale without the necessary recognition of all that has transpired. It's dangerous for all involved. Those that have caused harm continue aloof as to how they have caused harm for others and will continue to do so, or never take the opportunity to hold themselves accountable to responsibly own their "stuff." For those that are most directly impacted it's a questioning of sanity to even wonder if all that was experienced, felt, etc. was even real. It's a gutting discarding of truth in favor of prioritizing false comfort. People have to be uncomfortable. Harm has been caused. Pain has been given out. Violence in its forms has been perpetrated.  There's no real

Drown

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 “You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” – Timber Hawkeye Life can be overwhelming at times. There always seems to be so many things going on at once. Managing it all just gets to be too much, and there we are paralyzed into nothingness. Everything seems to pile up and we get stuck in task debt that we struggle to get out of. There doesn't seem to be respite or reprieve just more work, more things to know, more things to do, and more people to maintain relationships with. It's the knowing that can be so debilitating. It's seeing it all and being privy to the knowledge that we're supposed to do it all, and in a speedy manner. When we've fallen behind, missed something, or suddenly have a lot we can get weighed down. We drown. We flail. We scream underwater. We gasp for air. We just want to stop swimming if only for a little while. What happened to floating peacefully. What happened to soaring above the water?

Subscription

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“A friend is the hope of the heart.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson Pandemic life has radically altered or maybe made more efficient communication. Now more than ever we are made to be consistent in how we communicate lest we further our disconnection. There's something grave about getting disconnected now. Is it easier or does it feel more permanent? Somehow it just seems like the thing to do. In times past, letting go of connections friendly or otherwise seemed like a massive deal, and now it's common. We're just not that invested in one another, or the effort we're putting in to stay connected is unbalanced. That's okay. That's the reality. That's useful.  “Talking” these days is like a subscription. It starts to run out and either we have to renew by sending a text or let it lapse and never hear from one another ever again. The goal is a lifetime subscription with automatic renewal.  Instead of renewing subscriptions we don't use in others we can just let

Ember

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 Joshua 1:9 " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid;  do not be discouraged,  for the  Lord  your God will be with you wherever you go." I cannot believe I have now existed for a year of my life without my mom. It still doesn't feel real, and yet it is the reality of my life. That day and so many of the days that followed are seared into my brain unlike any other life experience. I woke up to a "call me when you wake up" text from my dad. I already knew. I called him and the sorrow, heartbreak, and devastation in his voice destroyed me. His final words before we ended the call "BJ go to school, Bianca go to work." I spent the rest the rest of day doing not much else but answering when people asked my why I was at school "because my told me to go." We sat on my bed crying, and crying, and crying, and holding hands, and crying until I had to throw up. Time came, and I had class so I put on clothes, put my headpho

A Life Well Loved - Eulogy for Mom

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10/5/19 Dear Mommy, You are loved. We love you. I love you. You have lived a life well loved. That sentiment of a life well-loved is two-fold. You have been someone who has adored others with a love that can only be described as extraordinary, and been one to have been surrounded by love for all of your days. You were the embodiment of love. You were love exemplified. You were pure love in human form. What a grand gift it was to love and to be loved by you. Your love has been indescribable yet powerful beyond compare. Your love has been transcendent while being grounded. Your love has been everlasting even when we thought it would end. Your love, your love, your love, has changed the world, your world, our world, my world.             Mother to all, this life well-loved is represented by the number of people here and around the world thinking about you in this moment. Your impact is immeasurable. What you meant to people cannot be emphasized enough. How you made people feel is some