Youthful Life: X

 Joshua 1:9 " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid;  do not be discouraged,  for the  Lord  your God will be with you wherever you go." I cannot believe I have now existed for a year of my life without my mom. It still doesn't feel real, and yet it is the reality of my life. That day and so many of the days that followed are seared into my brain unlike any other life experience. I woke up to a "call me when you wake up" text from my dad. I already knew. I called him and the sorrow, heartbreak, and devastation in his voice destroyed me. His final words before we ended the call "BJ go to school, Bianca go to work." I spent the rest the rest of day doing not much else but answering when people asked my why I was at school "because my told me to go." We sat on my bed crying, and crying, and crying, and holding hands, and crying until I had to throw up. Time came, and I had class so I put on clothes, put my headpho...

" No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth." Robert Southey I am useful. I constantly worry about being useful. I wonder if people only keep me around because I am specifically useful to them. I think about all the messages I received over the years about what makes me worthwhile and what others have seemingly responded most positively to is my utility. It's an odd thing to say but the more I mull it over that's how I feel. I'm a tool to be used to solve issues. I'm a fixer. I make things better. I improve other people's lives. I say what needs to be said. I am the cure. I am a remedy. I am the mirror to reflect on. I am the prompter to ask the questions that create substantive change. I am the secret weapon. I am the one that brings you out a funk. I am the one that you turn to first. I am the one that is dependable. I am the one that drops everything to prior...

"Part of adulthood is searching for the people who understand you." Hanya Yanagihara Adulthood can be lonely. In the pursuit of our passions we often sacrifice connection to others, but at what cost. Life is about connection - relationship, proximity, care, love. Without those things what is the purpose of life, and yet still we find ourselves adrift, aloof, and away from all those we've forged connections too before. We're all looking for something, but what could we be searching for that continues to evade us? We are looking for those who understand us, and even more so to be understood. We want to be around people get us, experience us the way we want them to, see us for who we are, and celebrate us in our imperfect actuality. We want those who want to hear our life stories from cover to cover, who will take notes in the margins, and resonate with the characters. We strive for people who see us transparently and yet remain despite what they see. We want peo...

" It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."  Ralph Waldo Emerson What a gift it is to love and to be loved . There's something profoundly distinct about having the love you give to others be reciprocated with the same kind of passionate fervor. It's this almost overwhelming sense of peace, mixed with joy and comfort. It's an indescribable sensation. It's like being in the comfort of your own home, but home happens where you make it. Old friends are home personified. I have come to believe that undoubtedly as I've spent time away from my people, my legion, and my comfort. Every time I separate from them it's like leaving home for an extended period of time. Then, I see them again and I'm met with the warm embrace of a place I've seemed to always lived in - a place that welcomes me with open arms, cheek squeezing hugs, and big laughs. It's a place that has long felt both surreal to the p...

"You don't get older, you get better" Shirley Bassey Birthdays are these odd days that remain seared into my mind's eye representing this arbitrarily significant repeating 24 hour span of my life. I can remember almost all my birthdays and each one remains important, even when it didn't go according to plan. There is this surreal aspect to your birthday coming around. It's a demarcated day dedicated to the celebration of you. For one day the world does seem to revolve around you. People come out of the woodwork, well-wishes pour, and suddenly you're the center of attention. It's as if the regular rules of the world are suspended. I don't know, there's something exciting about it but simultaneously it seems disingenuous. I want people to care about me year round, and to be able to articulate that consistently, not just on the special occasion of the day I was born. It's wonderful, and I appreciate it but I want that same kind of energy ...

" Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity." Hippocrates Life is about experiences - all of them, the good and the bad. Life is about making sense of those experiences, and gleaning what we can from them. Sometimes those lessons are easy to extract, to apply, and to keep pressing on - other times, we struggle to find the root cause, the bottom line, the essentials. It's the things that have caused us pain, heartache, and that indescribable heaviness that elude us. We have to learn how to heal or else the wounds that have been inflicted upon us will never do just that. We have to find the right bandage, surgery, or rehab to get us to where we need to be. Each healing process is going to be unique but it has to be appropriate for our trials and tribulations.  Healing is as much about the process of healing as it is choosing to heal. That is choosing to unpack the baggage we lug around - the hurt, anger, sadness, resentment, anx...

"Hope is a necessity for normal life and the major weapon against the suicide impulse."  Karl Menniger The conversation on mental health, mental illness, and suicide start with us. Here's my story:  #TakeAMinuteChangeALife Asking for help is something we're taught from a young age will always be acceptable. At some point, however, that message is truncated and the likely we actually will ask for help when we need it decreases drastically. For an abundance of reasons, namely our socialization based on gender roles, social class, etc., we opt out of reaching out when we need it most. But to what end? Wouldn't we be better off asking and receiving the help that we need, when we need it? Arguably yes, but that invalidation of requesting assistance also extends to others and their willingness to give said help. With the problematic tropes of picking yourself up, trial by fire, anti-coddling/safe-space etc. running a muck - there's a fear, both real and...

"Surround yourself with people who provide you with support and love and remember to give back as much as you can in return." Karen Kain We are the protagonist of our life stories - that much I know to be true. AND we are meant to be the strong supporting characters in the narratives of others. Hell, in some cases we're the love interests, in others we are the antagonist, or even a fleeting plot device. That part I'm still learning to not just accept but to fully embrace. It took me so long to come into my own and be fully comfortable with who I am and how I am. Now that I have a solid foundation in myself, things get more complicated in making room for others in my life. I have also realized that I don't have to be the center of attention at all times. I can be perfectly fine being on the sidelines, and that does not undermine my own self-esteem by any means. There's something remarkable about moving out of the way and letting others get their shine tim...

I don't know what to say . I know exactly what I want to say. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I shake uncontrollably, I panic constantly, and I am paranoid. Racial battle fatigue is the traumatic aftermath of  never-ending psychological warfare. I teeter in this obscurity of pretend bliss and mortal fear. I exist only in the marginalia. Outsider, other, thug, brotha, criminal, savage, animal, subhuman. Am I a human being? Am I here right now? God where are you? Why did you do this to me? Why am I like this? My skin, my melanin, my culture, my language, my nose, my lips, my teeth - my body, broken, battered, beaten. Here I am, do you know me? Am I one of your children? Why have you forsaken me? I lay hear at your feet, begging, pleading, praying, that you will hear my cries. My literal cries. My screams of horror. My tears of sorrow. My heart that never stops beating as if to escape from my chest, from its cage, from the compounds where they used to keep us, from captivity, f...

Truth - It is not the end until the end arrives. Prematurely counting yourself out does nothing for you other than take you out of the equation. Sometimes breaking down is part of the process but what comes next is the important part. You build yourself back up, put yourself back together, and you press on. What other option is there? Bounce back, move ahead, and find your resilience.    " All of us need to begin to think in terms of our own inner strengths, our resilience and resourcefulness, our capacity to adapt and to rely upon ourselves and our families." Steven Pressfield Each year begins with the cliché sentiment of starting over but the point that is missed in understanding yourself to be restarting is that you don't really ever do so. We are the sum of our identities, beliefs, actions, words, and experiences. Our past, to some extent, writes our futures. We have to acknowledge where we came from, who we have been, and what we have done before we can p...