Youthful Life: X

" Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special attention to those who, by the accidents of time, or place, or circumstances, are brought into closer connection with you." Saint Augustine There are moments where I don't want to be special anymore. Sometimes I am tired of standing out, being noticeable, and marked as different. Yearning to blend in when you are always visible is a conundrum. In some ways, people want others to take note of them, to recognize them as they are, and to be grateful for their presence. I think we always want those things. In other ways, there is peace in not being at the forefront, having to be "on," or in the mix. I still struggle to balance between showing up with the energy/comfort I'm feeling in any given moment, and the expectation that my personality means I am supposed to be endlessly entertaining lest others worry I am off. Sometimes I just want to dim my light, or to keep its glow for myself. I know I'...

" And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 It's been a while since I last wrote here . Life happened. Life changed drastically. Life didn't and doesn't make sense anymore. My mom died. That's the first time I have typed those words out. My mom passed away. My mom was called home. My mom is no longer with me in physical form. I cannot believe it. I am in shock. I feel nothing. I am numb. I am emotionless. It's not apathy, and I have never felt like this in my entire life. It's not a detachment of mind and body, but rather I feel fully present in myself, just suppressed. It's almost tranquil, kind of comforting while being unsettling. I feel empty. I don't feel lost. I feel incomplete. I feel bamboozled. I feel betrayed. I feel like the brightest part of me has been pilfered, and yet still I am still left with light and love. Why am I still ful...

" Connections with other people affect not only the quality of our lives but also our survival." Dean Ornish Connection, connectivity, connectedness - we're yearning, longing, desperate for it . Existing in places and spaces untethered to others brings us a distinct sense of loneliness and isolation. We reach out to grab hold of anything or anyone that we feel any semblance of connection to. The first person to smile at us, whoever says anything to us, or who looks familiar to us - whatever flimsy connection we have forged is the one we gravitate to when we're left floating in the ether. Every time we enter a new place, have to get our bearings, and ground ourselves, we are looking for connection to anchor us in the unfamiliar. It can be a comfort food, a scent that brings us fond memories, or a symbol that represents sanctuary for us. If all else fails, observational connectivity factors in, and we make comments about things we notice in hopes that someone el...

"Home is the center of life. It's the wellspring of personhood. It's where we say we're ourselves." Matthew Desmond For much of my life I learned I was supposed to care about others more than I did myself. I think I took it to an extreme. I learned how to prioritize other people, to make them feel good, and to ensure their peace. Most my time was spent thinking about how to cater to others, to communicate to them them that they mattered to me, and to gift all that I could to them. In striving to be selfless I lost my self. I lost myself in other people. I lost me in their hardships, heartbreaks, and horror. It wasn't that I didn't know who I was, but my self-definition had been relational. I was me, but only in proximity to others. I was me by connection. I was always so and so's brother, friend, uncle, boss, advisor, confidant, fixer, protector, advocate, ally, activist, and, and on, and on, ad naseum until I was nauseated. It wasn't even ...

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world." Harriet Tubman Do you dream? Do your dreams scare you? Are you dreams wondrous, magnificent, awe-inspiring? Do your dreams seem phantasmagorical, sublime, or surreal? Dreams in this literal and figurative connotations are significant to our experiences. Dreams let us imagine worlds, lives, and instances where the impossible becomes plausible. Dreams are critical to our grasping of what we are capable of. What do our dreams say about us? Are we paying attention? Are we noticing patterns? Are we taking actions to interpret the messages our dreams are communicating to us? Dreams are a manifestation of our subconscious. The part of ourselves that lies deep beneath the surface and speaks to the essence of both who we are, who we're afraid of, and who we're striving to be. What happens when we take serio...

" The failures that you beat yourself up over are the ones where you experienced warning signs and can connect the dots backwards after the fact." Caroline Ghosn Searching, yearning, looking for a sign. In the world around us, and the people that occupy it, we look for signs. Some kind of guidance, advice on who to be, or just affirmation that we are doing what we should be. There's this pressure, learned, and applied liberally that tells us there's both a right and a wrong way to exist. There's a values judgement applied to us and who we are. There is an assessment that we are constantly placing on ourselves, and onto others, and them unto us as to the righteousness of what we do. We look for signs to make sense of what goes on around us, about why the world is working the way it is, and about who we're meant to be. Signs have this power to both obscure, and to provide clarity when we seemingly need it most. Signs are all open to our interpretation. We ...

"The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don't have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it." Chris Pine Reframing makes the picture different. Reframing is a powerful tool that we have in our arsenals to view our experiences in the ways that we dictate. Reframing let's us craft the narrative, and the story we tell ourselves about our own lives. So much of our lives can be dictated by fear. Fear is paralysis. Fear is a blockade. Fear is holding us back. Fear is not a way to live. Fear prevents us from living. Oh, what our lives could be if we lived in spite of fear. Fear, apprehension, nervousness, and all their dastardly cronies that prevent us for the fullness of life can sometimes be overcome through reframing. We can take a hardship presented to us, and make it small. We can take it is a challenge that will benefit us in the process. We can turn it into something of our own creation. It's taking ...

"I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do." Leonardo Da Vinci We live in a society that has come to value expediency over substance. It doesn't matter what we say, just that we say something, and be the first to say it. Knowledge has lost its gravity. Knowledge needs context, always. Contrary to what we're seeing continually, patience, self-restraint, and perspective matter just as much, if not more, than expediency. What does it matter if we're first if we're false? Pause. Wait to respond. Think. Think! Think!!! Before we speak, think. Our answers are more thoughtful and thorough we give ourselves that time to properly formulate them. We get to speak with precision instead of haphazardly. And, and, and we don't have to know everything. In fact, we should NOT know everything. Life would be pointless if we did. Learning is what life is, in essence.  Be teachab...

"Learning how to be still, to really be still and let life happen - that stillness becomes a radiance." Morgan Freeman People keep saying that they can't sit still. Are we addicted to being busy? The constant go, the organized chaos of it all, and being productive - is that where we derive personal value from? There is something to be said about us being incapable of being still. This need to go, go go - where does it comes from, and what do we let it drive us. Much like most things in life, stillness is a learned practice. It takes patience, diligence, and persistence to normalize being still. Especially in a society that communicates to us that stillness is wasted time that we could be doing something else, when in actuality, stillness is part and parcel to us showing up in all other capacities. Stillness let's us breathe, be where we are, and take note of how we're doing/feeling. Stillness let's us pay attention more closely, notice the world and pe...