Grand Scheme

Truth - Life is a constant fluctuation of emotions, situations, and states of being. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the changes and get lost in the chaos of it all. I find myself stuck in my head or flustered in my heart rather than living in the moment of taking into account all the good things around me. I find myself ragging on myself, pointing out where I could have done better, and holding on to moments that may not be have been so significant. What I miss out on is that in the grand scheme of things life really is good.
"When we only look for the good in people, we often miss the rest of them" Unknown

Something I have been working on throughout my college experience and I guess life in retrospect is looking for the good in everything and everyone. I often fall into the trap of pointing out faults, flaws, and imperfections in myself instead of highlighting the things that I'm damn good at. Thankfully I'm better with others in being able to humanize their not so likable behaviors, actions, or words to understand that context is so important, and one thing that someone says or does is not them as an entire person. Working more and more to remember that each and every person I come into contact with has a story and one that is not only worth hearing but is often exactly what I need for the day has become a true challenge for me. Even when things get rough or someone's words don't come off the way I would like knowing that they still are important and have value is crucial.

There is this teetering balance that alternates when I really want to be in the center in perfect equilibrium. It's frustrating having the knowledge that because everything is in motion reaching a point of a standstill would not be useful and is literally impossible but still wanting to level it out anyway. One side it's the well-intentioned benign naivety of searching for the good in everything and everyone while on the other is constantly searching for any negativity or malice. Both have their solid points and their weaknesses. Like the quote says when we only look for the best in people we miss out on the rest of them. The rest of them is just as if not more important. It's how we understand people through their whole experiences, ideals, and beliefs not the parts that have been polished, put together, and prepared for display as socially acceptable. It's the heartache, pain, loss, fear, anger, and ambiguity too that make them up. Along that same thought process is the cycle of seeking out the darkness, gloom, and detractions of people, places, and things prevents us from seeing their goodness, bright spots, or contributions. Too much of either extreme and you're off balance, but balance is unattainable. In the grand scheme of things, life is pretty alright.

It's unreal how different this summer working with orientation, navigating relationships, and figuring out my own personhood has been compared to last. I feel like a completely different person in almost every way possible. Just the way I react to things, how I interact with people, and what I find most impact has shifted drastically. Life to me has come to be so significant every day, or at least I have tried to see how it is. I'm closer with all my family members, and my friends. I'm exploring myself and being decisive in what I like, what I love, and how those feelings came to be. This not even newfound but rather heightened awareness of the world around me, how I walk through it, and how it affects me has given me so much to process. What stands out to me most is how grateful I am for my personal truths, my relationships, and honestly the life I get to live. That teeter totter more often now leans to the left and that I'm okay with.

One of the things I know very well about myself is my initial reaction to feedback, taking into account other people's opinions, and being told that I have done something wrong. In short, I'm a work in progress with a lot of work to do. I'm complicated in so many ways but if I were to simplify why I get so emotional or feel everything is personal is my socialization and upbringing with so many intersecting identities (race, ethnicity, class, sex, gender expression, and religion) that made me believe that I was supposed to be perfect. I was never allowed to make mistakes. I believed, and still do on some level, that it's feasible for me to life my life only never hurting other people or messing up. It's so irrational but still such a huge part of how I understood, and continue to understand life. This potential for perfection that is not actual there for me has been both good and bad. It's allowed me to achieve some pretty phenomenal things and given me this wonderful work ethic but also prevented me from enjoying things as they are, has me "fixing" things that don't need it, and doing too damn much. In the grand scheme of things, most things work out whether they could be have been better or worse is irrelevant.

Do you ever find yourself just amaze at life? I don't know about you but I do. It's those moments where everything makes sense and kind of doesn't at the same time. It's those moments where I find my perfect equilibrium and really also don't. It's those moments that are both profound and insignificant at the same time. Life is both sides of the good and bad binary along with everything else in between. In the grand scheme of things, it's how you see it that matters most. X


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