Chill

“Consistent positive self-talk is unquestionably one of the greatest gifts to one's subconscious mind.”  Edmond Mbiaka

Something amazing has happened. Something about me has changed. Something significant has occurred. The most striking part is that it's slowly happened over time, and I am just now realizing that it has. I am calm. For the first time in my life my normal state is chill. I have spent my life, so long as I can remember, nervous, slightly anxious, and constantly worried about other people; what they thought of me, how I was showing up, and their experience of me. My regular state was always slightly below a panic, heart racing, sweaty armpits, body tense. My inner dialogue was the other me telling me that I was being weird, asking why I was so awkward, questioning if I deserved to be where I was, concerned if someone would figure me out, and afraid that I was not safe. Perpetual fear is not a way to live. My moments of peace were few, and far between. Alone I have solace, and in select spaces with certain people I had that same comfort, but the on edge feeling was a persistent part of all my days. Slowly but surely, rationalizing to validate my adverse experiences, the reality of the world we live in, and giving myself permission to be just okay has given me this newfound easiness. I'm comfortable, I'm relaxed, I'm tension free. I'm just existing, and less and less concerned with what other people think about that existence. I don't quite know how to express the relief I am feeling, and the freedom I am beginning to enjoy. I get to not care. I get to not be terrified. I get to be just be.

I saw a quote that has been resonating with me. "Embarrassment is a deceptive feeling. We vividly remember all the times we felt embarrassed, and also struggle to recall even one time someone else had an embarrassing moment. People don't notice and/or care about our quirks, quips, and oddities as much as we imagine." Think for a second. Isn't it true? That made all the difference for me. Maybe people aren't as concerned about how I'm living than I think. If people are not checking for me, then all that heaviness about worrying that they are dissipates. AND even if they are, why does it matter, and why do I care? What happens if I don't care? Is there a real consequence or this perceived/projected anguish? The more I sat with that the more I realized that so much of my uneasiness was created and sustained by me. If I get to have control, then that means I get to let go. What if things, don't matter? Could that be true? Could that be real? Yes, I am coming to realize that.

The biggest lesson I have learned from going to therapy was "taking in, and leaving out." Internalizing what I need to. Things that matter, that are significant, that have staying power, and that are important to me. Then, I have to process through those things further to refine it, get to the root of how/why it makes me feel, learn from it, and take only that lesson with me forward. Then there's externalizing what I don't need to take in. Things that truly do not matter, things I cannot control, things that are temporary/fleeting, and things that are not about me. Internalize, refine, and externalize. Now I take in way less, and carry only what I need to. Not having the weight of the world, every odd interaction, and all the ambiguity of not knowing what other people are thinking about me, means I get to be light. I mean literally and figuratively light. I feel almost weightless. I'm floating on top of a lake instead of being held down screaming underwater. I dip every once in a while, and I sort through things to get to my takeaway, I let go of the extras, and float back up to the top. I'm just here, feeling tranquil, at peace, and okay. I am so overjoyed to feel this way. I am so grateful that this is where I get to be. I am so happy that is me now. I have wanted this for so long. I didn't think this was possible. Not only has it been possible, it's real. 

I carry what I need to. I let go of everything I don't. It's not easy. It's not that simple. It's not always successful, but practicing makes it easier. Something quick happens to add heaviness to my day, I quickly think about why I care, and if I need to. More often than not it's a concern confined to that day. It's usually someone else's issue. It's not that big a deal. Then I get to leave it. I get to go back to my equilibrium. I am maintaining homeostasis. I am chill. I get to care when I need to, but caring is not consuming me anymore. I am more than just care for others, and for myself. My self-talk is almost exclusively positive. I am speaking to me with the kindness that I strive to give to others. It's so many more so "whats," and the response is rhetorical because the "what" is pointless. I'm weird. I'm awkward. I'm clumsy. I'm imperfect. I'm doing my best. I'm okay. That's okay. If I'm just okay, then that's just okay. I'm not always nervous talking to new people, it's an opportunity to make a meaningful connection. I'm focusing on being present and when I just do that, naturally the best me comes out. I'm not thinking about being perfect, hell or even being liked, I'm just trying to be a person. Be a person. Be a real person. That's it. Chill. Chill out. Chill in. Chill like your life depends on it, it can. X

Positive Self-Talk Statements:
I am me, and that means something.
My life has meaning and purpose.
I am calm. 
I am present.
I am powerful.
I control my choices.
I am proud of me.
I am a loving person.
I care about others - I am needed and worthwhile.
I am confident.
I am will look for the good out of today.
I am doing things on at a time.
I did my best.
I like me. 
My favorite about me is ...
I am good at/know a lot about ...
I am getting better at ...
I look good, and I feel good about how I look. 
All is well, right here, right now.

x