Exhausted

"The health of the eye seems to demand a horizon. We are never tired, so long as we can see far enough." Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am tired. I am absolutely exhausted. I am completely depleted. I don't think I have ever felt this tired in the entirety of my life. There's something distinctly about the tiredness I'm experiencing as of late. It's not just that my body feels unrested regardless of how much I sleep, it's the general lethargy that pervades through the days. Life is tiring. Having to be a person all of the time is depleting. Needing to do, needing to be, and needing to know is a whole lot. There's so little room and time for existing without the world or the people in it needing or wanting something from me. I have found myself turning off my phone and disconnecting more and more. I just disappear and pretend to not exist for a little while. It's almost peaceful but I know what awaits me when I return from my few moments of solitude is a barrage of socializing.

I wonder if people notice how different I am as of late. I'm quieter. I'm less talkative. I'm just hanging out in life at the moment. Some days I just want to go the whole day without having to speak but doing so would be so wildly out the character people have come to know me for that I would be inundated with inquiries as to what was the matter. Nothing in particular. I'm doing quite alright, just not feeling like adding to the chatter of life. When I'm good and ready to join the larger conversation I'll opt back in. Why is exhaustion and quietness such a big deal? Why are people uncomfortable with others being quiet? Can't we be okay and not be as dialed in as before? Can't both be simultaneously true? I'm tired but alright.                                           

Hustle culture has reached its peak and people seem to be pushing back. Every day it's people putting their pristine lives on display trying to sell their curated lifestyles to us. It's make yourself better, do this to be happier, try this product to improve. Where's the rest? Where's the happiness with who and what we already are. Is there room for us to be genuinely good with where we are in life? I have long unsubscribed from the ideology of rising and grinding, pushing yourself to the brink, and sleeping when you're dead. I don't think it's rational, healthy, or sustainable to drive yourself mad chasing your dreams. Maybe some dreams are just that. Maybe some dreams aren't worth pursuing. Maybe some dreams are just unrealistic. That's okay.

Managing our expectations, creating tangible goals, and letting go of things that are not worth our time let's us focus on what can be ours. Manifesting, speaking things into existence, and shouting to the ether what we want only works if we make the moves necessary to have things happen. Action, coupled with purposeful inaction gets us where we want to be. It can be just as important to not act and let things play themselves just as much as we need to act with precision. Life is not meant to be an endless struggle. Life is meant to be enjoyed just as much, if not more, than we experience challenge. What if we strive for peace instead of push. What if the dream is one of contentment? How much is enough? When will be satisfied? Can we indulge in serenity in the here and now instead of indefinitely delaying gratification?

Lately, I've been less active socially both in person and digitally. It just sort of happened. Then I noticed it, and liked it. Less time engaging, less effort where I didn't want to send it, and less concern for others. Sometimes I just don't really care. I think I'm okay with that. I think it's more than alright to communicate that. Sometimes I'm just not feeling it. I'm good to adjust. I'm dynamic. I can be fully invested, deep-diving, and present when I want to be, and there are other times where I don't have to be. Being expected to treat every piece of information, conversation, or post with the weight of a major life crisis is problematic. Not everything deserves the same heaviness.

I don't have to push. I don't have to dig. I don't have to follow up. I can let things be what they are. I can let a conversation end - hell I can even end them when I please. I can let things fall flat. It's not up to me to carry, to dial in, and to propel us forward. I'm exhausted. I'm divesting from things and people that add little to nothing to my contentment. I'm retracting my expansion efforts. I'm concentrating my energy in things with guaranteed dividends, and being modest in my explorations. I'm saving the best of me for well ... me. If I am my greatest asset I deserve to spend all that I am on me first and foremost. It's been a massive change in the most subtle of ways. I'm still figuring out this reinvestment in myself, but so far it's been bountiful. My energy goes to me first and I am more decisive in who, where, and how much I give out. Discernment is going to remedy my exhaustion. X