Youthful Life: X

 Joshua 1:9 " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid;  do not be discouraged,  for the  Lord  your God will be with you wherever you go." I cannot believe I have now existed for a year of my life without my mom. It still doesn't feel real, and yet it is the reality of my life. That day and so many of the days that followed are seared into my brain unlike any other life experience. I woke up to a "call me when you wake up" text from my dad. I already knew. I called him and the sorrow, heartbreak, and devastation in his voice destroyed me. His final words before we ended the call "BJ go to school, Bianca go to work." I spent the rest the rest of day doing not much else but answering when people asked my why I was at school "because my told me to go." We sat on my bed crying, and crying, and crying, and holding hands, and crying until I had to throw up. Time came, and I had class so I put on clothes, put my headpho...

10/5/19 Dear Mommy, You are loved. We love you. I love you. You have lived a life well loved. That sentiment of a life well-loved is two-fold. You have been someone who has adored others with a love that can only be described as extraordinary, and been one to have been surrounded by love for all of your days. You were the embodiment of love. You were love exemplified. You were pure love in human form. What a grand gift it was to love and to be loved by you. Your love has been indescribable yet powerful beyond compare. Your love has been transcendent while being grounded. Your love has been everlasting even when we thought it would end. Your love, your love, your love, has changed the world, your world, our world, my world.             Mother to all, this life well-loved is represented by the number of people here and around the world thinking about you in this moment. Your impact is immeasurable. What you meant to people cannot ...

 "There are times when explanations, no matter how reasonable, just don't seem to help." Fred Rogers Living with loss is a devastating way to live . I wake up every single morning and say my mom's name aloud. Adjoa. Just for me. I roll over and look at her picture and smile. I still feel the last time she held my hand, and every time she did. If I cry to the point that I panic I hold my own hand and imagine it's her holding my hand. It's constantly reliving that truth that she had to go, that she had to leave. How could she ever leave me? The way I feel, and by that I mean specifically how I do my process of feeling, has changed in profound ways. I am a radically different person and how that's not apparent to the world is a mystery to me. It's just beneath the surface. It's always there. I am marked by loss. My spirit is dimmer. It just hurts so much. There's so much pain. There's so much emptiness. There's so much quiet. It's alwa...

" You haven’t healed, I can tell from how cruel you are.” Warsan Shire We're all carrying things with us. Some of things we're carrying visibly weigh on us while others are cloaked but remain heavy nonetheless. The thing about heaviness is that we have the potential to transform it. Oftentimes we get caught up in believing that the hardships we carry will be part of us for our entireties. In reality, we can shift the weight, redistribute it, or even better lighten the load. I don't think we ever really unload all that has stayed with us but I do believe that we can compact it, extract its essence, and convert it into something more manageable or even useful. What a powerful sentiment. There's hope in that.  If we don't have to hold all this heaviness forever that can mean a great deal for us. That means that how we feel, what we're holding, and how we're carrying it will not always be this way. Things aren't hopeless. While some things may...

" The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it.  Memories need to be shared.” Lois Lowry Memories are all we have to make life real . Memories are what we cherish to carry all that has come before us. Memories are all that we truly are. What a year. What happened this year? What the actual fuck happened this year? How could this year be real? I have struggled to write this post because life is not some absolute balance weighing the benevolence of this isolated period of time. Simple me wants to say this has been by far the worst year of my life to date. Complex me knows that life not a scale that tips positive or negative. Life has nuance. Life has meaning when we assign it meaning. Life is life.  I think there is profound meaning in memory preservation, and there is immense importance in memory creation. We are tasked with doing both in our lives - holding on to the remnants of the past, and maneuvering to create our presents an...

" And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 It's been a while since I last wrote here . Life happened. Life changed drastically. Life didn't and doesn't make sense anymore. My mom died. That's the first time I have typed those words out. My mom passed away. My mom was called home. My mom is no longer with me in physical form. I cannot believe it. I am in shock. I feel nothing. I am numb. I am emotionless. It's not apathy, and I have never felt like this in my entire life. It's not a detachment of mind and body, but rather I feel fully present in myself, just suppressed. It's almost tranquil, kind of comforting while being unsettling. I feel empty. I don't feel lost. I feel incomplete. I feel bamboozled. I feel betrayed. I feel like the brightest part of me has been pilfered, and yet still I am still left with light and love. Why am I still ful...

The 20s are all about knowing who you come from. Family is one of those uncanny things in life. We have no say in the family we are born into and go through life making our own picking people along the way. The one we are given may not always be the best for us but many a times there is an underlying connection unlike any other you may ever have. Whenever I am with mine I never feel more loved, safe, and secure. Sure we have our bouts, quips, and quarrels but when it's all said and done we are indestructible unit. Each and every one of us is special in their own right. With my family I get to be the little prince. "In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future" Alex Haley There is nothing like hearing stories about yourself before you had your own consciousness to remember them. My mom always shares a few memories of her time with me in my early childhood that never cease to make my smile. When my mom was carrying my little siste...

Being a teenager means having to deal with your parents. Yesterday was father's day and with me being home alone with just my dad, it was an interesting day. Hanging out with my dad is always an adventure because we literally are the exact same person. Some people say they might be their father's sons, but my dad calls me his carbon copy. Like we couldn't be any more genetically or personality-wise, similar. It was a fun filled day. It always geeks me out whenever we're on the highway on the way to church and people stare at us. Why yes the jealousy and confusion on your face is real, and what you're seeing truly is amazing. Two strapping men cruising in a luxury vehicle looking classy. From another long day at church we went to Applebees to get our grub on. After that we went home and did some loan work, let me tell you applying for loans is a long boring process, that I know nothing about, than goodness my dad knows what he's doing or else I'd not be going...