Youthful Life: X

"We are what we do repeatedly" Unknown I had a conversation recently where someone described themselves as a good person and I stopped/corrected them. People are not inherently good or bad, they do relatively good or bad things, and have a tendency  of those things. It made me think of who gets to be good or bad, whose perspectives are represented, who is typecast as what, and how does the curve of the arc of justice rectify all these imbalances. Who gets to posit themselves as good or bad? Who wins, and who loses? Who saves, and who gets saved? The false dichotomy of good and evil, like most things, plays into our social norms and their implications. People can do or say the same thing and based on how we've learned to interpret them and who they are we react differently. Goodness is not applied evenly. Not everyone gets the chance to be "good." Justice is relative. Proximity changes everything. How can we have absolutes in an uncertain world? Am I a go...

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Anaïs Ni n Friendships in adulthood are difficult . Not inherently, necessarily, but because we make them so. Time and time again I found myself dealing with flimsy relationships. I mean relationships were the connection is weak. Something comes up, someone gets busy, we stop talking for a couple of days, and we're disconnected. These connections start off strong, and just as quick as they come they dissipate into nothingness. It's frustrating to say the least. These connections don't have enough substance to withstand the daily hardships and obstacles of life. There's not a solid foundation of investment to endure a missed reply, a cancelled plan, or a disagreement. It's these one and done instances where someone says or does something we don't like, and we give up on them. There's merit to that sentiment ...

"Therefore the great mediator of any community is human morality." Armstrong Williams Empathy is by far my strongest characteristic and ability. It allows me to understand other people's emotions, perspectives, and rationales, and to respond accordingly. I can quickly pull out of my emotional repertoire the full gamut of feelings to almost perfectly match  those of others around me. In doing so, I get to provide a substantive support for those around me. Meanwhile I am left to deal with the ramifications of taking on the emotions of other people. I'm left alone in the aftermath, exhausted, drained, and emotionally overdrafted. Most of the time I'm able to replenish and recuperate, but there are times where I am emotionally taxed beyond my capacity and in showing up in extraordinary ways for others put myself in danger. When I am listening, striving to understand, reflecting, asking questions, giving guidance, or just being present with other people I have lea...

"Too many of us are hung up on what we don't have, can't have, or won't ever have. We spend too much energy being down, when we could use that same energy — if not less of it — doing, or at least trying to do, some of the things we really want to do." Terry McMillan We cannot convince someone to like us ; more importantly we should not have to do so. People should want us, as we are, because of who we are. We should have not sell ourselves, demand recognition, or pine for attention. Let go of people who never reached out to you, those who never attempted to catch you, and those who stood idle as you took a risk. People should be able to see our inherent worth, and to value it as priceless. Anyone who needs convincing is unworthy of your essence, time, energy, or effort. We have to stop wasting our time on those who have no intention of choosing us. Why do we seek the acknowledgement, permission, acceptance, etc. of others knowing that it will never be ours? Wh...

"Patience and time do more than strength or passion." Jean de La Fontaine Patience is not just a virtue, it is THE virtue that all others stem from. Patience gives us the time to be virtuous in all other ways. Many of our frustrations, anxieties, and fears would be quelled if we were patient, slowed things down, and took our time. Do you ever drive without music playing, just the sounds of your times rolling repeatedly on the pavement, the murmur of your car puttering along, and the whooshing sound of other cars passing by? No real destination or at least, no time constraint in getting there. Enjoying the ride - relishing in it - pure revel and adoration. For a few minutes, you're just there . You'll get to wherever you're going when you get there. You have the time to let other people into your lane, you're going the speed limit, and you're cruising. Carefree but never careless. Everything makes more sense because taking the time to slow things ...

"Part of adulthood is searching for the people who understand you." Hanya Yanagihara Adulthood can be lonely. In the pursuit of our passions we often sacrifice connection to others, but at what cost. Life is about connection - relationship, proximity, care, love. Without those things what is the purpose of life, and yet still we find ourselves adrift, aloof, and away from all those we've forged connections too before. We're all looking for something, but what could we be searching for that continues to evade us? We are looking for those who understand us, and even more so to be understood. We want to be around people get us, experience us the way we want them to, see us for who we are, and celebrate us in our imperfect actuality. We want those who want to hear our life stories from cover to cover, who will take notes in the margins, and resonate with the characters. We strive for people who see us transparently and yet remain despite what they see. We want peo...

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.”  Lois Lowry Lois Lowry's "The Giver" is my favorite book of all time, and whenever I have lost touch with the people of the world I reread it to remind of how people, their stories, and sharing them is what makes life vibrant. There are people in my life who have just been there but I have never taken the time to figure out how they got there. Someone being proximate to me should mean that I take the time, make the effort, and create the space to strive to understand them. People must be more than their utility to me. If I truly believe people are inherently invaluable, why then have I long treated those around me as static characters serving me in my life story instead of dynamic character with their own stories. I have spent so much prioritizing me, my plots, and navigating the chapters of  my life that I have never quite paused to read the stori...

"It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people." Bryant Gumbel No one likes to be dislike d. It's sewn into our DNA that we just have a general disposition and a need to be liked. We want people to want us. We want them to like us, get excited when we're around, love us. We spend so much of our time devoted to getting people to like us. We shouldn't have to convince, beg, or plead with people for them to like us. We don't owe anyone ourselves. We don't have to give the entirety of who we are, or pretend to be someone else in a futile search for the approval of others. If we have to persuade someone to accept, tolerate, value us then maybe those people truly are undeserving of all that we are. And, and, and, we ourselves do not have to like anyone if we don't want to. "Like" should an enthused, jovial, and benign feeling we have for another person whether friendly or romantic. We get to reserve t...

"A wkward' is a ubiquitous teen word to denote socially unsanctioned behavior. It usually implies first- or secondhand embarrassment when you or a friend step outside the rules. Awkward doesn't sound overtly judgmental or negative; it's deliberately vague." Mary H.K. Choi I'm awkward . I'm nervous. I sweat a whole lot. I talk to myself way too much. I'm constantly in my own head trying to appear comfortable on the outside but I'm internally screaming. Why am I so awkward? Do other people notice how awkward I am? What can I do to be less ... well - awkward? These are the questions that play over and over in my head. I don't know what to do with my hands. I'm not really relaxed but I'm hoping other people perceive me to be. What should I say? When is my moment? Will anyone notice me? Does anyone care whether I'm here? Why does this look so easy for everyone else? Why not me? Social awkwardness is this self-induced purgatory of mo...

"Beauty is power; a smile is its sword." John Ray The process of becoming "pretty" or at least "prettier" has been fascinating for me. I vividly remember how people used to look through me, as if I wasn't there, as if I was invisible, as I wasn't even worth a passing glance. Now I get stared at, people do double-takes, and I feel too  seen. Couple that with the rarity of my deeply rich blackness in predominantly white spaces and its impossible for me to separate out what's the discomfort or fascination of me being black with me being aesthetically pleasing. Either way, I'm getting a lot more attention because of the way I look and I don't quite know how to deal with it. It seems like a fluke, a practical joke, or some kind of cruel prank but people are genuinely taking an interest in me. The compliments whether it be on my clothing, my smile, or my everything in general just come from every which way. I'm having difficulty a...