Commitment Issues

Truth - The values of the world we live in have changed over time. Things that used to be commonly understood as mundane now seem out of the ordinary. There are no longer such stringent standards that we hold one another to. Our society is more individualistic than ever before. It has its benefits, some gnarly side effects, and a whole lot of ambiguous gray area in between. What ever happened to predictability? Now we never know what to expect. Forget about us, and don't even get me started on trust - this is commitment issues.

"There is a constant feeling in our culture that we might be missing out on something better, therefore, we rarely commit to a decision that we can’t back out of if something better comes along." Rhett Smith

"There's a higher form of happiness in commitment. I'm counting on it." Claire Forlani

When did flakiness become socially acceptable or at least a common practice? Left and right people just don't show up to engagements, give an excuse at the last minute, or show up ridiculously late. I'll admit I'm guilty of the latter but it's getting more outrageous. What is the point of making plans if we never actually see them through? Don't get me wrong, as an introvert I often enjoy when people cancel giving me more time to do absolutely nothing, but when I've already gotten ready, left home, and am driving it's more than a nuisance. It's rude. It's inconsiderate. It's selfish. It's one thing for an emergency to spring up and another for you to not want to go out. Whatever your reason being direct and taking responsibility needs to be part of that revelation. If you don't want to go just say so. Lying does no one any good and our obsession with constantly updating our social media profiles often gives away our true whereabouts. It's a reflection of your character. If you're willing to be deceitful about something so insignificant then what else can be expected from you? Prior notice is not a suggestion but rather a requirement whenever possible. Busyness is not an excuse, proper planning is all it takes. We're all "busy" and yet we still find time to do the things we want to and have to. Waiting to a few minutes before we're supposed to be somewhere is way too late. As soon as you know you have a conflict, communicate it so proper adaption can be made swiftly. Wasting your own time is your prerogative when you throw away mine, that is when we may have an issue. 

This all seems to come from a fear of commitment and of confrontation. We may be too concerned with hurting other people's feelings to actually say/do what we need. The irony is our inaction and apathy end up doing so anyway. This trend of overcommitting instead of taking on what we can tangibly handle gets us in to trouble. Why are we surprised when people actually expect us to make an appearance at things we said we would go to? Maybe we don't want to disappoint others or feel obligated to commit to certain things. We really only disappoint ourselves in the long run when we aren't accountable for our flip-floppy absences. We agreed to coffee not an everlasting marriage, relax. It's more than fine - in fact, it's brave to say how you're feeling. Take ownership over your emotions and get real. If we're out and I'm not enjoying it, I say so. If I'm not vibing or feeling it, I make it known. If something happens and I'm not interested anymore or don't think it's going to work out - I speak it out. There's no clichés and no need to put the blame on other people. It's how I'm feeling and I need to be able to sit with that. It's better than leading people on or perpetuating relationships that have no chance of working out. Commitment issues stop us from experience life and taking risks, but they should not stop us from take control of it all too. 

Decisiveness has never gone out of style. Take charge and make informed decisions. Make accommodations and be considerate of everyone involved. That means picking an activity, locale, or food that everyone can partipate with/in. This whole uncertain perpetual state of ambiguity is useless. Maybe does not tell me what we are or are not doing. Give me a direct yes or no if you're interested in an event. Give other suggestions and provide alternatives if you do say no. You don't have to justify yourself but an explanation wouldn't be too much to offer. It's okay to be picky, to make choices, and to let things go. Too many options ends up creating a paradox of overstimulation where we don't choose. If you're skeptical - voice that and know that hesitation is a telltale sign of a lackluster prospect for you. It's okay to disagree, go figure. Whatever choice you make, embrace it. You don't have to have a good time but carrying around a bad attitude is doesn't help any situation. More often than not, fully engaging can drastically transform a negative experience into a positive one, if only we allow it to happen. 

Communication is key. This ambiguous unresponsive behavior is not acceptable. A conversation requires two people to articulate messages and receive them. The abrupt end to many a conversation does not have to be that way. If you have to go, do something else, or become otherwise occupied - it's we simple as saying so. We've all waited for those fateful ellipses bubbles only to be disappointed when a response does not come. Just acknowledge a mess even if you can't respond immediately. Then this takes on a whole other level of frustrating when applied to the unnecessarily complicated world of online dating or dating through apps. You can spend days or weeks on end talking with a prospective match and suddenly they disappear, stop responding, and are never heard from again. Through in plans to actually meet up and hang it in real life, and the random silence is amplified. Again it's difficult but being direct with feelings and intentions is important. We have to be empowered to ask what are we doing, why are we doing it, where do we see this going (if anywhere). Defining the relationship takes the guess work of the "what are we?" It's dangerous to assume you're together with another if you're not explicit with at least one another to express it to be so. It's better to be over literal than to live whether uncertainty. A partner is someone you should be trust wholeheartedly. Your relationship status is something you should be able to converse candidly about. If not, that's a definite red flag. 

Sex positivity is a philosophy I have to align with. Slut shaming only perpetuates harmful stereotypes, stigmas, and sleights against a portion of our population. With that being said, this culture of side-pieces, two-timing, and multiple partners (lest you've established a polyamorous relationship) needs to be absolved from existence. Why are we settling for less than we deserve from ourselves and others? We do we enable problematic behavior and pretend as if we weren't complicit in reinforcing/normalizing it. Leading people on, secret love lives, and sneaking around does no one any good. If you're not ready or wanting commitment, talk about it. Promiscuity is not a problem, but doing so by misleading people is disingenuous. If we want to change th ways that we tare treated, it begins with how we treat others. We have to commit to them, as people, through and through. X