Unavailable

Truth - Relationships are complicated. Think about it. You spend the majority of your formative years "single" and you're perfectly fine then suddenly expected to partner up with other people. How do you go from living for/with just yourself to potentially having someone else in the picture. Family, friends, and roommates give you practice but adding the intimacy bit makes things more intricate. You don't just know how to be in relationships, you have to learn, like everything else that is new in our lives. Then again you may not be even ready for a relationship. You might be like me, currently unavailable at the moment.

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."
Franklin P. Jones
 
My favorite question I get more and more from other is "why are you single?" In all honesty, because I'm not actively searching for someone else. At this point in my life I am already invested in the most important relationship of my life ... my tricky relationship with myself that is. I'm a twenty-something and am still figuring myself out. I want to love myself wholeheartedly without a shadow of a doubt because I even think about adding someone else to the mix. I want to be settled in myself as a person. I know that it is a lifelong process but what's the rush? What am I missing out on? I'm keeping it simple because I'm already complicated enough by myself. I don't get the sense of urgency. I also believe with every fiber of my being that love is the one thing you do not settle for. This "search" begets the timeless question of how do you know when you have found "the one" and are there multiple ones? What does love look like for me?

I have never been fond of the idea of soulmates, puzzle pieces, or other halves. It's picturesque and idyllic but the flipside of it insinuates that until you find your "person" you are incomplete. That just doesn't sit right with me. I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative. I'm single because I don't think myself to be lacking. It might just be semantics but I think the language around dating needs a modern reimagining. That logic is toxic. Single people know damn well that they are single inherently but it's those that are coupled that often remind, admonish, or chastise them for not having a partner. I was unaware that being linked to another person was a requirement to live. My bad, I think I remember learning about those symbiotic relationships back in ninth grade biology. I'll get right on finding my co-habitator ASAP. In all seriousness though, I think it is exponential more imperative that we are comfortable, in tune, and secure in ourselves before we go about boarding any semblance of the relationship train. It's often those that are not self-aware that are the most susceptible to the tumultuous highs and lows of relationships. Get right with yourself and stay emotionally unavailable until you are ready, for your sake and for all potential prospects.
 
This whole idea of a search, I'm not a fan of it. I feel like one of the Hardy Boys complete with a magnifying glass, fingerprint dusting powder, and black gloves collecting clues at a crime scene to figure out who done it, or rather who will do it to me. Everyone knows dating has changed drastically with the introduction of smartphones and their accompanying apps. Swiping on tinder, matching on OKCupid, or even sliding into the DMs on Instagram - it's a different world. It is definitely less personal and problematic in so many ways (read my post on Commitment Issues) but these days I cannot imagine trolling bars or clubs striking up conversation with randos. I belong to a generation of elitists. We want the best. It's why we spend 10 minutes reading Yelp reviews before deciding to go or eat anywhere. Social media let's us do something like in reading stats. I'm guilty of judging people by their job, educational institutions, and clothes like everyone else. We want high caliber people and this is our new screening process. Of course you have to have an awkward in person meeting at some point but from there the "regular" courting process ensues. I have seen way too many movies where people spend (*read waste their twenties) dating through droves of people, and I would rather be surrounded by people I know, and like, than parade many a stranger through my life only for them to depart again soon after. I'm willing to put in the effort but will not go out of my way to meet "the one" - I already found the one ... hello, it's me.

More and more and I believe that everyone figures out what they want, whether that is someone to spend the rest of their days (or maybe just seven years with) or it's fulfilling work. I know that work does not substitute for love but I think you really can love your work, and have a deep passion for it that makes you feel true happiness. For some people (*raises hand) they just want children with or without a partner, whereas others have no intention of becoming parents. Some people want to be married and some don't need that formalized unification to validate their relationship. Some people figure it out later and some are already well on their way.

All I know is that all the paths we take are valid and we don't get to have an opinion of those of others, they are not for us. My journey right now is about pursuing education. If someone comes along my way that makes me feel that overwhelming joy and aligns with what I want out of life, then absolutely let's chase our dreams together. What I refuse to do is compromise myself, and even more so my goals for anyone else. I know how I want to change my world, and I will not give that up for anyone or love. I think you can and should have a healthy connection to your work just as much as your romantic engagements. I abhor that we look down on people or question them the older they get and are not in relationships. Why does it matter? How does it impact us? Let people live. Let them define their own happiness. I might be with them - I'm just unavailable at the moment, my priorities are selfish, unapologetically. X

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