Process the Trust

The 20s are all about questioning what you believe to be true. Life, especially in college, isn't always black or white. There aren't always right or wrong answers. People aren't inherently good or bad. It's a whole lot of ambiguity, subjectivity and just plain instinct. One of the hardest things to do can be whether or not to trust someone. What criteria do you have to have for you to be trustworthy or do we give it away and rescind when they have deemed themselves unworthy? We each do it differently but we all do it, we process the trust.

College has been one of the most formative experiences in my life (I'm only 20 so that's not saying much but still). It challenged me to see the world in a brand new way, notice injustices and finally be empowered to do or say something about it. College also has given me the most severe case of trust issues (like Drake song worthy level). It made me question everything I knew about the way the world worked, all my friendships and even the truth of who I am. To say it takes me a long time to form a trustworthy relationship with people would be an understatement. There are people I'm friends with who I still am wary of. They have given me reason to be worried but they haven't given me reassurance otherwise leaving us as something amorphously ambiguous. I'm a simply complicated person. It's so damn simple - be bold and tell me how you sincerely feel about me. I know not everyone is able or does that regularly but that's the one thing that let's my guard down. You put down your mask and show me who you are and I'm apt to do the same. Then you put your words into action and prove it daily in the way you care for our relationship. This quote has resonated with me and puts frankly what I've felt for the entirety of my life, "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them." Yes, do better. Try harder. Challenge yourself to be candid in how/why you value others for who they are. Pay attention to the people you say matter to you and buy the heck in to people. Trust is not something you play around with. You're either all in or not at all. Take your damn pick. I'll share a weirdly sappy anecdote. There's this snapchat I have saved on my photo stream and it's of me and Mac where we're making the same skeptical face in true mobile selfie fashion. Every time I scroll past it, it makes me smile. That's it. That's how I know I care about that guy. That's how I know what the struggle is for. That's how I know I'm about it. I process the trust that goes into that feeling of overwhelming happiness and go with it. It's pure and powerful. Let that feeling guide you to trust those and other people. I often ask people who they care about most (and yeah that's problematic but we rank relationships constantly). Think about that person (my sister is the most important person in the world to me) and what emotions are dredged up. Don't you want to feel that way about more people? We put our guard up so we can't be hurt again but we miss out on getting to know people who could be some of the best people for us. It's a risk you have to take if/when you're ready. Process the trust person by person. 

The past few days have been interesting to say the least. I've had a break from orientation sessions and have been living the basic boy life like you wouldn't believe. If I tell you I legitimately haven't done anything the past three days it would not be a lie. When I say my ass was sleep, I mean it. Monday started out with me waking up at noon and then going to play tennis with Victor. It was like a ratchet Wimbledon out there with both of us being mad rusty. The full course smash may have been reduced to nothing more than a half-court strugglefest. I ended up succumbing to defeat but I had a wonderful time with the tough competition nonetheless. I spent the duration of the night in the staff lounge hanging out with David, Heather, and Dom. Sometimes it's just good to hang around and be stupid. Everybody was laying every which way, sharing ridiculous stories and throwing shade like it was a lunar eclipse. Somehow I ended up passing out on the couch mid-conversation because I'm rude as hell apparently. Heather woke me up with a gentle tap on my foot and I had no idea where I was; I was discombobulated. Off to bed I went. I passed out and woke up drenched in sweat because my room was hotter satan's butt crack. Tuesday I had lunch and then ventured to the gym to play tennis with Benjy. I took the kid back to elementary school and thoroughly pummeled him to a pulp (JK, homeboy picked up pretty fast and it was pretty evenly matched). I made a peanut butter & jelly sandwich which I haven't had in hot minute. I was dripping with sweat  (so many bodily fluids) from tennis and left a disgusting ass mark in my chair. I paid a visit to Zach in the apartment and retrieved some of my missing toiletries. The sky broke open and rain fell down in true Noah fashion and slightly cooled down the Earth. I spent the rest of my night watching Disney Channel original movies on Netflix #turndownforwhat. I was enjoying my days off and for the most part being alone. Taking the time to process my trust was worthwhile. 

Whenever you're given free time it always seems like you have too much. Sooner rather than later you run out of things to do. I was done eating sloppy seconds and repeated leftovers of local restaurants that we had had catered so a change was a coming. Wednesday for me meant another round of tennis with Benjy. This time was even more competitive and the trash talk was at an all-time high. It was like an actually funny episode of Wild'N'Out. It was an interesting time and a great opportunity to point out what agism and dominance look like in real life with an encounter with a privileged man in the his natural habitat (oh wait that's everywhere). I got caught up in my sweaty stupor watching episodes of Scandal before I hopped in the shower. It was off to the grocery store for a potluck dinner shopping spree with Heather and Nakiya. I spent the next few hours making deviled eggs and Italian sodas while enjoying the graphic drama of Scandal. The rest of our group showed up and we had a great dinner while watching Space Jam. It was back on home to meet up with the General for a froyo run. Downtown we ventured to Orange Leaf and if I'm being honest I wasn't having it or him at all. I was still recovering from the lingering mistrust of last week's conversation ender. I wasn't all the way in and found myself not even looking him in the eyes. I couldn't even pretend that I was all good, every laugh felt forced and still there I was compromising the integrity of my authenticity. I came back and felt awful. I just laid in my bed and thought about the awkwardness, at least for me, of that whole interaction. I spent the rest of the night prepping birthday gifts for the next day's festivities. I needed time to process all that trust. 

There are some times where you do something bold and the pay off is more significant than you could have ever imagined. Thursday entailed an early morning meeting and a reflective walk post haste. I traveled downtown to have lunch with my friend Isora. It's always remarkable to me how much I find I have in common with people just by talking to them. We hit Panera and Rite Aid and it was such a welcome change of pace and break from the little world I has been inundated with so far for the summer. Back to the home base where I spent an hour watching funny SNL & MADtv skits with Benjy (aka stalling for the later surprise). It was tone for our staff meeting but not before I completed the birthday gift fakeout. Watching his reaction was absolutely fulfilling. His excitement and gratitude were too much to handle but when you're legit that's how things work out. I processed his trust and deemed him worthy of a vulnerable version if me and rightfully so. Debrief and dinner happened before a quick drop by from Mac to retrieve his charger which ended in an ILY. I said it back but still challenged the validity of it. I need soul bearing proof. I know there's more there then what's been let on and I intend to get to the bottom of it. Later was quirky night of epic proportions. All I gave to say about it is Shirley Temples. Processing the trust on the regular. 

My blog post question for the day is … what does it take for you to trust someone? For me, it usually takes honesty and a significantly purposeful relationship.