Trust Fall

The 20s are all about learning to trust yourself and others. Aubrey Graham aka Drake is known for all his sensitive sounding songs of heartache, betrayal, and bottle popping but most of all his trust issues. Trust is one of the hardest things to give and even more so to restore after it's been lost. People, including ourselves, are complicated as hell. That much I know. We're shaped by all our crazy messed up and completely phenomenal experiences. We're conundrum that may or may not ever be solved but still have to go out into the world and be bold, kick ass, and put our faith in ourselves and one another. You lean back, close your eyes, and take a trust fall.

We all have trust issues. Some of our diagnoses are more severe than others but the reality of our insecurities in on ourselves and our relationships are present nonetheless. If I had to psychoanalyze how I ended up being such a colossal head-case of epic proportions I would have to throw it way on back to my childhood. Being part of a big family (love the four siblings to death and beyond but the struggle was real, hence college far away) meant sometimes being overlooked, forgotten, and downright neglected. Yeah, my family was the Huxtables in the Cosby Show but with some Tyler Perry's the Haves and Have Nots level drama going down behind the scenes. I laugh about it now but the wounds of striving to be the "perfect" one (in all it's unattainable glory) never quite scar over completely. Add the neurotic chaos of high school cliques and viner-status pettiness (*cough Weekly Chris cough) with shaky "friendships" and constant shade-throwing facebook fights, subtweets, and text rants, and you bring me on up to college with little faith left in humanity. College has been a real life combination of Felicity, Greek, and the Best Years. Trusting people on college has been both a success and a complete failure. It's been so hard to find those who have substance past wanting to just have fun, joke around all the time, or play games. So many people have fallen by the wayside because they never showed me anything past their need for exhilarating adventure. My trust is like a mirror, reflecting what people show me of themselves and every once in a whole shattering to go a little bit further and hope that I can trust someone to pick up the pieces instead of walking away. My college has shown me that you'll never know who you'll end up trusting. I can't write everyone off in a broad generalization as untrustworthy just because I've had unsavory interactions with a few individuals but I also don't trust everyone because my own sense of security is important too. If I trust fall I expect someone to be there to catch me. 

Everyday has it's own challenges and requires a bit of trust whether we're ready to do so or not. We can't control everything (but Scarlett Johansson though in that Lucy trailer > everything) but I know damn well I sure try to do so anyway. At a certain point though I let go and just do it like one of those MTV Challenges. I guess my trust issues with people stem from them not following through or disappearing for weeks on end. It seems like I've been bamboozled into a bunch of one-way friendship (like one direction streets that don't reciprocate traffic flow). People who only come around when they need something or need me. People who expect me to listen and give advice but never ask about me. People who let you know of your insignificant place in their lives. The repercussions of all that mistrust is that feeling creeping into other relationships so that even then I'm wary to share even when someone is genuinely interested. Now that's fall. My trust fall has been broken by the ground. It hurts but you get back up and do it again, until someone worthy of trust catches you. Those people exist, sometimes it just takes a little longer to find them. 

Life likes to get a little to literal sometimes I've come to know. Friday was another great day with the SESP students. The afternoon kicked off with one of my self-designed social justice programs that served as fun, interactive, run through of SJ and it's terminology. For the first time since starting the program I was nervous. I was sweaty, shaky and a little panicky. I just always get anxious that people won't find meaning with it or be willing to even hear about it. The students were bought it and I think they found value in it. It was so great to finally equip them with the words to describe and understand some of their experiences. The guys stayed behind for a gender breakout talking about the socially constructed ideal for a man and let's just say the conversation was lively. What happens when you try to get seven guys to respectfully share airspace - you know sometimes you just trust that things will remain with people and they'll think about it later. The night ended with hanging out and just being silly in the hallways of our residence hall. Saturday came and that was a trip to the university owned ropes course which was quite possibly one of the most challenging things I've ever been a part of. We did team builders, a few of which included me being blindfolded and having to trust others to guide me. I pushed myself to just let it happen and trust that they wouldn't lead me astray. Soon we were doing the low ropes courses and having to work in pairs. I was connected to Cameron and on the wobbly wires we ended up going furthest because we listened and encouraged one another. We did the vertical ladder which literally had me as a physical support for him. We made it to the top after a struggle of a effort up and were lowered down when I couldn't handle being up so high. Then came the leap of faith which saw the students showing unbridled courage, emotion and overcoming obstacles. I pretended I was ready to take the trust fall.

Those in my group wanted me to do it and so I complied even though I was absolutely terrified. I got to the platform, froze and panicked. I may have forgot to mention my sense of vertigo was too strong. I yelled for complete silence, sat on the edge, prayed to God so damn hard, and then slid off screaming for my dad. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done. I don't whether I didn't trust the students to catch me or maybe the cord or maybe even God himself but none of them let me down. I was in tears and shaking uncontrollably but I had done it. My voiced wavered like Ice JJ Fish from vine. We did the vertical playground ground sucessfully and peaced out. We ended with a cinnamonbun hug with me in the center which felt extra good even if everyone smelled like ass and dirt, and squeezed too hard. Dinner time, napping and then a shower happened before a late night hangout session that got deep. Education reform, racism, sexism, colorism, and institutions setup to benefit certain identities all were hashed out and I loved it. Sunday was a lazy day of hanging around before playing games, eating pizza and shooting lasers at Pizza Putt. The orientation part of the program was over and the substantial part was about to kick in. I trusted that the students would succeed. 

My blog post question for the day is ... who do you trust most in the world and why? I trust my sister more than anyone else. She just follows through when you need her to and keeps it real at all times.


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