Talk Dirty

The 20s are all about defining your own rules for how you carry yourself. The current most overplayed song other than the incessant upbeat diehard peppiness that is "Happy" is "Talk Dirty." Yeah the lyrics are demeaning and crude, but that beat tho. All I'm saying is our generation may be a little freakier or down with the taboo unspeakables than we like to let on. Every once in a while you have to shake things up, keep people guessing, and explore some other parts of your personality. There's always more to each one of us than we let on. Break the ceiling (screw the room without a roof) and talk dirty.

This has been the summer of the lockdown. It seems like everyone I know is getting some or someone and I'm over here just like dumbfounded at what's going on. Maybe it's something in this unfiltered water everyone keeps ranting and raving about. So let me make fun of my generation's "dating culture" as if that's a thing. I'm going to need people to get it together and DTR (define the relationship; if you don't watch Awkward then you don't exist in my world). Cut the crap with all these mind games, and looming overheard questions of what are we. If you're dating, then freaking declare it to the damn world. If you're not going steady, then make that clear too. I cannot take anymore of my friends rehashing the same damn petty drama of their trivial pursuits (wow, I'm on a roll today). Like, we're talking, we text, or sliding into someone's DMs doesn't mean a damn thing. Let it be known that while your ass is sending those same texts, double tapping instagram pictures, and blasting out heart-eyes emojis to multiple people, so can anyone else. If you want to be serious, then get serious. If you want someone, say it to them. If you're down with being exclusive, like Beyoncé and Jay-Z status, then go there. I don't care if you're Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black, Kylie Bunbury and Ashton Moio, or Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi - get your person and call it a day. If you're in a monogamous relationship, stay off the market. You can't be playing the field when you've already got a bae at home. Cheating, at least in my opinion, is never justifiable. If you're not cool with keeping it 100 with one person then have an open relationship or be clear in what you're looking for. Dating has been redefined, and it seems like people are seeing one another, fulfilling their individual needs, and having fun cutting the strings that historically have been attached. Remember that one year where the same movie came out twice aka Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached (JT & Mila Kunis versus Ashton Kutcher & Natalie Portman), yeah that appears to be the movement. I mean do you (and I guess whoever you want to) as long as you're all good with the potential baggage that could come with all that. My generation wants to be adventurous and settling down, even in a relationship can be too much of a commitment. Know that, and keep it real. If you want to talk dirty, then do it. If you want an Armie Hammer and Elizabeth Chambers picturesque relationship, then go after it.

Now we get to me. You know my entire life I've always done what I'm supposed to do. I say supposed to because at a certain point you come to the realization that you decide why you do the things you do. Is it because that what's you're supposed to do or because that's actually who you are? For me, I've discovered the latter happens to be true which makes all of this (whatever the hell it is, so much harder). There are so many things I can't do because just wouldn't feel right to me and that's the truth. No matter how much I want to shake the good-guy rep, the safe bet, and the practically perfect protector labels, I can't because that's who I am. I'm a conservatively traditional guy in all senses of the word when it comes to the whole courting dance, mating ritual, link-up culture nonsense. There are so many levels to why I can't talk dirty, be a bad boy, hook-up, or ultimately get a date. Let's tackle the first few, because that last one is a loaded gun waiting to explode. Yeah, that whole notion of living that Christian Grey S&M gnarly bondage secret sex dungeon life is totally not me. My ideas of what sex are supposed to be are something a little more juvenile and purely naïve. This is so weird but I have this recurring dream of my wedding day and having the most romantically beautiful love-session with a newlywed wife under canopies of white lace, navy blue rose petals, and pine wood/sage scented candles. The abstinence thing makes all of it so interesting, especially with the common misconception that people who are waiting for a partner are vehemently against and judgemental of those who partake in the sexual arts. Literally has nothing to do with me, live your life and I'm living mine. I'm not missing out on anything because I've never done anything and I don't want to, at least not now. I'm not curious. I'm not sexually frustrated. I'm actually perfectly content, thank you very much. Relationships, to me at least, are more than just sex and I think giving myself (or at least part of it) is a really big deal. Obviously, some people are more carefree and that's cool for them, just like the pause game is cool for me. There will be no hooking-up in any of the various definitions of the word (uhm, when did it go from making out to going all the way #missedthememo). Talk dirty however much you want, but you won't hear it from me.

That brings me to being a bad boy, not possible. I'm too much of a good boy, young adult, man-child whatever person to be one. I'm so damn oblivious at the same time. Like how do you even know when someone is flirting with you? Where is the guidebook for all this stuff, because your favorite guy is clueless (love that movie though). Allegedly, especially the summer in some circles I was the "hot OL" or that "cute guy" that people see everywhere. Like hello can you tell me these things. You know what the most annoying thing is when people who are ridiculously attractive (keeping in mind that attraction is a relative to whoever the viewer is) have no idea how tantalizingly enamoring they can be. Like how do you look, sound and smell like that (I'm weird, girls with thick eyebrows, proper lip game, smell like freshly washed cotton sheets and have scratchy deeper voices make my bellybutton sweat)? Answer me, cause I want to know. Throw in the main attractor of a personality that's compassionate, humorous, and intelligent, and you've got me 50 shades of dumbfounded with a crush. Then having other people point out that to some people I'm one of those people, in Greek terms a so-called, hotness monster, has been mindblowing. Who the hell finds me cute, let alone attractive or even hot. Uhm, no, there's nothing to see here and my personality is socially awkward, quirky, and quiet. But just like for me it's the little things people do that get me going, the little things I do inadvertently that have people staring a little longer than they should. I wonder what stops people from hitting on me (or maybe I just never notice it; I'm bad with accepting compliments) and then I remember what stops me, fear. Fear of rejection, embarrassment or not wanting to ruin relationships are all reasons. At some point, you have to be bold, talk a dirty game to yourself and just go for it. If it doesn't work out, it's whatever. If it does, then well your bae-status could be changed. I guess the last few things about me that can sometimes be ambiguous are my willingness to show emotion (sorry masculine ideals and stereotypes, not about you), direct honesty (ability to lay it all out explicitly), and having distinctly preppy/planned out clothes. Sometimes people question my sexuality, and I'm like, do it all you want. I know the answer and that's what matters. Heterosexual but not so far left on the spectrum, thank you queer-allyship and deconstructing hypermasculinity to be able to express yourself and be okay with homoerotic displays of friendship (sports, fraternity etcetera). Sexuality isn't binary, it's a spectrum with lots of fluidity. Let people define themselves instead of using stereotypes to define them. There's not one way to be any identity. Talk dirty to me all you want, I may not understand it.

Last but not certainly least are the implications of what it means to be me, in this case, that's being African-American on a predominantly white campus (serving as a metaphor for this dominant white cultured country and world, but let's keep it local for now). My generation of wannabe colorblind equality toters need to wake the hell up, because race exists and denying it is a rebuke of everything that I've experienced. White people have race, just like I have race - it may be a social construct, but as of now it's very real. Just like it plays a part in how we treat people, the assumptions we make, and the stereotypes/stigmas that come to mind, it's present in how we find (or in my case, don't find) people attractive. It's this summer that I've connected with other people of color and shared collective experiences of feeling ugly, unwanted, and undesirable as partners at our institution and it's surrounding community. It's like being an alien and unless you're Clark Kent (aka a hot alien who looks an idealized version of what's supposed to be sought after in a man in the U.S. - white, chiseled, selfless, strong etc.). For so many people it seems I'm not even a blip on their radar. I've been written off because I'm not white. People love to say it's just their preferences but it might be worthwhile to question just how indoctrinated and inundated in white culture you may have become that you've never even considered pursuing a person of color for benign reasons. What aspects of society overtly and covertly let you know that people of color are not worth being with? There's so few people who look like me portrayed  as hunky, crush-worthy, or swoon-inducing ... wonder why that is? Don't come at me with that wanting to debunk sex, make your parents mad, or perpetuate a fetish crap. People of color, are people, just like white people, not flavored popsicles for you to try and throw away at your whim. Let me tell you as a person of color I see beauty in so many faces and the diversity of races, ethnicities, body types, abilities, belief systems, etc. What a real gift it is to not have my scope of attraction be limited. I know most likely any relationships I have will be interracial, geographically that's where I'm at, but that means whoever gets to be with me has to be able to understand (or at least try to) every part of me. I'm ready, if you're ready to talk dirty and play a tough game, us against the world.

My blog post question for the day is ... have you ever had a crush on one of your friends? Hell yeah, that's usually how I get them. I feel like I fall for people I know rather than strangers.

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