Commitment

"The only limit to your impact is your imagination and commitment." Tony Robbins

 I think I have commitment issues. The entire idea of permanence sends shivers down my spine. It just seems so ... final - you know? I have spent my entire life always moving on. Everything I have done has always had an expiration date. It was always going to get better because I was going to leave at some point. High school and all its social clique induced anxiety ended, college and its adventures in pretentiousness and depravity ended, grad school zoomed on by, and you get the point. Now I'm in this phase of my life where things could be permanent if I wanted them to be. There is this new possibility that I could stay, that I could choose to be here, and to do so indefinitely. People around me are getting engaged, buying houses, having children, etc. and then there's me still waiting to move on, like I have always done. I don't think I know how to do anything else. Those end dates always represented closure, but even more so hope. The final line was always there, and now I have no way to track my progress towards my goals, to a certain extent. At this point in my life, the only thing I'm committed to is me.

I am committed to ensuring I am happy; I am well; and that I am me. Beyond that I realize that I am committed to people who have joined my journey along the way, inherently my family, and namely my friends. There are people through all parts of my expedition into the world that I know are going to be part of my life so long as we live. I am committed to them, and I know they are to me. But everything else has always been temporary. I don't think I know how to process commitment. Even the places I have lived have been marked with their fleeting nature. I finally have furniture that I chose and where I live is an embodiment of me, but yet still it's not mine. I wonder if I'll ever own a place, if its even feasible, or if its meant to be part of my life story. My pinterest townhouses in Georgetown have always seemed like an unattainable dream. Where will I go next? Who will I meet there? Who will I become? If everything is temporary, and I am constantly changing am I ever actually being me? 

The dark side of these woefully millennial commitment issues is that I am constantly in future mode. I lay in wait for the next thing. And that applies to everything. What's the next show I'm going to binge, book to read, trend to keep up with, clothing to wear, and even person to date. I'm always looking for what's next in a search I believe might be futile when it comes to seeking out what is best. If I'm perpetually searching that means I am not being present, I'm not being here, and I'm not living in the now. It's the underlying reason behind why I have lived in this place for 5 months and have yet to make friends. I have not put into the effort to sustain relationships because I think they are less worthwhile because they are temporary. It's an invalid logic though, and the only person I'm hurting is myself. I'm missing out on the opportunity to explore, to gain new experiences, and to connect with more people. 

 I find myself sitting in bed thinking about how much I want to do, how I want to change the world, and who I want to be when the end nears. It's Secretary of Education or at least a University President, or maybe it's a published author and photographer, or maybe it's civil rights lawyer and non-profit founder. What I can't envision is where there will be someone at my side. Does anybody else have dreams of getting married but the person there is anonymous? I just see myself as a dad and a foster parent, with or without a partner - but I want it all, I want the pomp and circumstance, I want the bouncy house and soda bar. I want the dance to go viral and for the hashtag to be witty and clever. I want the pictures to be tear inducing, and I want the love to last for a lifetime.

Combating existential has become my newest ordeal. I ponder the big questions of life and wonder if I am living up to my fullest potential. I question if I am doing the right thing for me. I think about if my talents, gifts, and experiences would be better used elsewhere. I think about how far I've come, and how much further I have to go especially to reach those lofty goals of mine. I fear failure and not using all that I have been given. I am afraid of disappointing all those who have believed in me but even more so myself. I am terrified of life flying by without me really being engaged enough to live it. I know that everyone is figuring it out as they go. I know that all that can be asked of us if for us to do our best. I know that things don't necessarily get better but there are times where we can makes things better. Knowing when to stay and when to leave does not get any easier, but I have this feeling that I'll know when its time, if the time ever comes - and if it doesn't then that's okay too. X