Youthful Life: X

" Little by little we human beings are confronted with situations that give us more and more clues that we are not perfect. " Fred Rogers Some days we're overwhelmed, while others we are underwhelmed. When are we just well ... whelmed? I think of how often I hear from others that they are overwhelmed, and that feeling leads them to paralysis. It's that moment of having too much, excess, or more than we can bear that scares us into submission. We shut down. We break down. We stop moving. The irony is what we really need to is to keep moving but do so strategically, in ways that give us back control. We just need to do or handle one thing, and one thing only before moving on to the next thing. I think about what happens when my laundry piles up. I've done one load and need to fold it, but then here comes another, and another, and suddenly I have a mountain of clean clothes that seems so insurmountable that I cannot even begin to imagine tackling it. So I do...

" Self-deprecating humor and brutal honesty is a really freeing thing." Margo Price Self-deprecation has its place in our communal communicative wheelhouse. And, it's not meant to be the primary way that we share who we are. Lately, I have been noticing that some of the people around me exclusively speak about themselves in the negative, whether facetiously or not. I did not realize how pervasive it was until I started paying closer attention. Right off the bat it's straight to the self-deprecation. That's it. All I know about some people is the things they have downplayed as insignificant, and all the ways that they are inadequate (by some arbitrary standard). I don't actually know who they are because what they are communicating, whether purposefully or by force of habit, is an incomplete blooper reel.  Moderate self-deprecation communicates self-knowledge, endears, and encourages others to loosen up. Toxic self-deprecation articulates an unhealthy s...

"Home is the center of life. It's the wellspring of personhood. It's where we say we're ourselves." Matthew Desmond For much of my life I learned I was supposed to care about others more than I did myself. I think I took it to an extreme. I learned how to prioritize other people, to make them feel good, and to ensure their peace. Most my time was spent thinking about how to cater to others, to communicate to them them that they mattered to me, and to gift all that I could to them. In striving to be selfless I lost my self. I lost myself in other people. I lost me in their hardships, heartbreaks, and horror. It wasn't that I didn't know who I was, but my self-definition had been relational. I was me, but only in proximity to others. I was me by connection. I was always so and so's brother, friend, uncle, boss, advisor, confidant, fixer, protector, advocate, ally, activist, and, and on, and on, ad naseum until I was nauseated. It wasn't even ...

" Let us be about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and every decade worth looking forward to." Greg Anderson Something is different. Everything is different. In an instant, my life, and my understanding of it changed. Have you ever met a person that radically changed your perception of what was possible?  Everything is brighter, more hopeful, and greater now. The bar has been raised for the better. I am without words to describe this feeling. Wow, just wow. There is something special to be said about the people who enter or pass through our lives who expand the realm of possibilities, hell, somethings they show us a whole other world of opportunity we never knew existed. We are woefully limited by the scope of what we know to be possible. Much like self-fulfilling prophecies where our predicted behavior determines ...

"W hen someone shows you who they are,  believe them  the first time." Maya Angelou Being perceived as intimidating is an interesting conundrum. Especially as someone who is hyper-aware of the narratives being projected onto, and around the identities I hold are. Much of my conscious time is spent doing all in my power to lessen my "intimidation" factor. Is intimidation necessarily a synonym for fear - not always - but in the context of me, I have found that people have remarked, once they had the opportunity to know me, that they were afraid to speak to me. Read in to that as much as you would like with what identity dynamics be at play. I smile more than I need to, even the pitch of my voice oscillates to a kinder tone for the appeasement of others, and the list goes on and on. As of late though, a new version of intimidation has been applied as an unwanted label to me, and I imagine many of those who share some of my qualities. People will comment that I...

“Consistent positive self-talk is unquestionably one of the greatest gifts to one's subconscious mind.”  Edmond Mbiaka Something amazing has happened . Something about me has changed. Something significant has occurred. The most striking part is that it's slowly happened over time, and I am just now realizing that it has. I am calm. For the first time in my life my normal state is chill. I have spent my life, so long as I can remember, nervous, slightly anxious, and constantly worried about other people; what they thought of me, how I was showing up, and their experience of me. My regular state was always slightly below a panic, heart racing, sweaty armpits, body tense. My inner dialogue was the other me telling me that I was being weird, asking why I was so awkward, questioning if I deserved to be where I was, concerned if someone would figure me out, and afraid that I was not safe. Perpetual fear is not a way to live. My moments of peace were few, and far between. A...

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." Salvador Dali I am a recovering perfectionis t. I have spent so much of my life striving to be perfect, and by perfect I mean absent of mistakes, put together, and without flaws. I used to make mistakes and beat myself up about them when in the grand scheme of things they weren't significant to begin with. More and more I have strove to unlearn that yearn for perfection, given myself more grace, and been patient with me. I'm slowly but surely embracing being messy, silly, and less staged. I'm trying to be less calculated, less fearful, and less in my own head. I'm doing by best to be more accessible, relatable, and realistic. It's been a challenge to say the least but one that I'm becoming more okay with. I know that I am not perfect, and that idealizing the world, the people around me, and myself can warp your perception. I'm working to speak to others with more kindness, empathy, and ...

"It's okay to be yourself and to love and accept yourself however you are." Dees Rees It's okay to just be ... okay . Sometimes people ask us how we're doing and we give okay as a response there's a moment of awkward consciousness. Being okay is not necessarily a bad thing, but it's not abundantly positive either. It just is. It's an equilibrium. It's a medium. It's fine, not stellar, nor horrible. People often press when we say we're okay, as if that's not enough. They push and prod as if they want us to change our answer to placate them and their insecurity that someone could be having a different life experience than them. That's not our jobs. That's not fair. When we ask people how they're doing, we have to be open to their response, and to validate it. We don't get to choose or police how other people feel. It limits their emotional autonomy. Sometimes, people are just meh. That's okay. It's not a judge...

"It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people." Bryant Gumbel No one likes to be dislike d. It's sewn into our DNA that we just have a general disposition and a need to be liked. We want people to want us. We want them to like us, get excited when we're around, love us. We spend so much of our time devoted to getting people to like us. We shouldn't have to convince, beg, or plead with people for them to like us. We don't owe anyone ourselves. We don't have to give the entirety of who we are, or pretend to be someone else in a futile search for the approval of others. If we have to persuade someone to accept, tolerate, value us then maybe those people truly are undeserving of all that we are. And, and, and, we ourselves do not have to like anyone if we don't want to. "Like" should an enthused, jovial, and benign feeling we have for another person whether friendly or romantic. We get to reserve t...