Real

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." Salvador Dali

I am a recovering perfectionist. I have spent so much of my life striving to be perfect, and by perfect I mean absent of mistakes, put together, and without flaws. I used to make mistakes and beat myself up about them when in the grand scheme of things they weren't significant to begin with. More and more I have strove to unlearn that yearn for perfection, given myself more grace, and been patient with me. I'm slowly but surely embracing being messy, silly, and less staged. I'm trying to be less calculated, less fearful, and less in my own head. I'm doing by best to be more accessible, relatable, and realistic. It's been a challenge to say the least but one that I'm becoming more okay with. I know that I am not perfect, and that idealizing the world, the people around me, and myself can warp your perception. I'm working to speak to others with more kindness, empathy, and compassion. Even more so, I'm trying to do the same with myself. It's more pep talks, affirmations, and appreciation for me by me instead of critique, impatience, and regret. I'm letting go of perfect, and living in the real. Things may not go as planned, in fact, things never go as planned, but things going amiss doesn't mean that things are ruined. There is much to be celebrated, much to be grateful for, and much to admire in all that I am, and all that is around me. I'm changing to do that better, and it's scary, but also hopeful.

I started going to therapy. In the spirit of adhering to a pact I made recently to be bold, to not be governed by fear, and to always go forward and never back, I setup a consultation, and dove right in. Attitude is everything. I don't know what it is but I know exactly what it is. I am relearning how to experience life with more levity, confidence, and acceptance of the ambiguity that comes along with. I am replacing great expectations with hopes and realities. I am trading worry and fear for curiosity and exploration. I am leaving room to be surprised for the better instead of drafting a story to be disappointed by. I went in with a written agenda, and deviated from it greatly. I think it was in being able to share my life story uninterrupted that I came to see a little bit of how much I really have been through. It's a lot. It's heavy. It's light. It's joy, love, and hope just as a much as it is trauma, hardship, and sorrow. It's all of it at once. It's both, and everything in between. It's a full life. It's a true story. It's real. I am so grateful to be able to access, and afford this opportunity. It's a privilege in an of itself, and one I do not take for granted. Mental health and holistic wellness matters - I'm getting real in creating my own peace, sanctuary, salvation. 

I think so much of my self-perception was/is based on how I imagine other people to be experiencing me. The hard truth is, many times I may not be as significant as I think especially to random others. I went to a concert alone this week. It both terrifying and absolutely liberating. I almost talked myself out of it, and the let the tickets go unused. I could't find a friend to go with, but I went anyway. I went in, calmed myself down, and let go enough to enjoy where I was. Nobody looked at me. Nobody cared that I was there by myself. Nobody really noticed me at all. It wasn't about me. That was okay. That was more than okay - that was freeing. I didn't have to spend time thinking about how I was showing up, if I was being perfect enough, or if I was inconveniencing others. I was just there. I was being present. I was being real. I was there for me, and for no one else. I was there to have a good time, enjoy the music, and concert with the people around me. I let loose, threw my hands up, yelled the lyrics bad, and danced with the people around me. I felt free. Could I have been causing my own entrapment this whole time? Maybe, to a certain extent. 

Choosing to be more real has meant turning no's into yesses. Those yesses are emphatic, genuine, nd vivacious. I'm doing things with vigor, and with an underlying appreciation. I'm no longer playing it safe, following the rules, and placating the needs of others. I'm doing things that I usually wouldn't do. I'm expanding my comfort zone by getting comfortable with the discomfort. I'm being bold and brave. I'm challenging myself to conquer my fears, and in doing so have come to know that things I used to agonize over may not be as important as I made them out to be. I went on a date that I didn't think would go well, but coming in without the expectation took so much pressure off. I didn't have to be perfect. I wasn't focused on portraying myself as a faultless fellow. I wasn't trying to sell myself. I didn't really care if they liked me or not. I was just there to have a good time, make a new connection, and experience it for what it was. My perspective has shifted, and it's for the better. I'm grounded in a new gravitas. I'm okay doing things just to do them. I'm good with being as opposed to always doing, I get to choose what matters to me - and it shouldn't be everything. I am no longer the thief of my own peace, I am its champion. I'm choosing reality over fantasy. X