Big Black ...

Truth - Relationships are complicated. The dating game has changed drastically. The ways in which people get together, stay together, and even separate have been  totally revamped. The old school sentiments of going steady, traditional dates, and all the idealized lovey-dovey monogamous commitment stuff seems to be on the outs. Just as people everywhere are playing the game differently, some things still haven't changed. Who gets called off the bench, who is nothing more than a gimmick, and who plays from start to finish. This is big black ...

"If what you see by the eye doesn't please you, then close your eyes, and see from the heart. Because the heart can see beauty and love more than the eyes can ever wonder"

Let's talk about sex. Our society has really made it up to be both all we talk about but shamefully taboo at the same time. Every other song lyrics is about getting it on, having passionate sex, or record numbers of orgasms that are out of this world. Every channel is laden with sweltering sex scenes, heavy breathing, and sweaty bodies swaddled in crumpled sheets. Magazines, books, and even ads all drenched in the dirty sexy aftermath of crazy hot sex. Yet still, sex is not something that gets the greenlight to be something you speak about in casual conversation. Why can we be surrounded by something but have to pretend it's not going on all around us? Sex is a personal choice that each person should get to make to either engage in or not. Have as much sex, or none at all, whatever makes you happy, and feel good. Consensual sex, the only kind there can ever be, is a continual conversation between all involved. Consent can be given or rescinded at any point. Sex is about communication, before, during, and after. Contraception in the form of condoms, dental dams, and birth control among others are important in serving as safety measures. Getting yourself tested for STIs, STDs, and knowing your HIV status are so important. Doing your research, knowing the facts, and having open/honest conversations should be the new norm. Sex is part of some of our social lives and we should all be involved in the talk.

This may be one of the most provocative posts I've ever written, but like always I write what I need to for me. As of late, I decided to take a chance and try out some dating apps. I'm a young twenty-something in a brand new city and looking to make new friends, have some fun, and possibly find a partner. What I didn't expect would be the hideous casual racism, disgusting ugliness of exclusion, and extremely creepy sexualization others projected on to me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, saying that you don't date people of a specific race, or people of color in general is nothing but racism. It's not cute. It's not acceptable. You can't call that crap a preference and not own the racist undertones behind it. Black people (as with all other people of color), come in different shapes, sizes, and skin tones. Our features, personalities, and backgrounds differ drastically. When you say that you aren't in to black people, what you really mean is that you find their blackness unattractive. I'm going to confidently call you out on your thinly-veiled bigoted bullshit. That's how racism shows up in deeply personal ways that you may be unaware of. Being socialized to have an aversion to blackness, if not a serious fear, or even an unbecoming obsession with it are all problematic in so many ways. Don't mind me and my big black ...

 
Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, Grindr, etc. whatever app you're on, the same phenomenon is reported. People of color being passed over, swiped left, unmatched, blocked, hidden, etc. (like real life) for nothing more than shallow racism. A few things, I've recently started to embrace my iteration of attractiveness, and learned how to flirt properly. I'll admit as humbly possible, that I'm pretty damn charming too. To be frank, I'm a clean cut, well-dressed, cultured, and educated black man who is fine as hell. I know how to work a henley shirt, flash a smile, and time a well coordinated lip bite. In short, I'm feeling myself with good reason, and while I'm no Michael B. Jordan, Tristan Wilds, or Alfred Enoch, I'm not oblivious to the ways in which I stand out. With that being said, these apps would have you believe otherwise. Either I get irrational amount of attention or nothing at all. I often experience the phenomenon of being matched with someone and having them immediately unmatching, as if they did it on a dare, as a joke, or didn't actually think it would happen. I also get bombarded with bizarre messages.

When people do try and engage, I get these ridiculous messages. The typical microaggressions wit the cute for a black guy nonsense. Then the more lude, show me your big black ... or what's going on down there for you. Sentiments of novelty in interacting with me like I've never flirted with a black guy before. I'm absolutely enthralled to be your first. "I love your chocolate skin. You're a mocha dream. I want to hookup with you and tell my friends I was with a black guy. Will I be able to walk afterwards? What do you taste like? My parents would be so mad if they found I was talking to you. I've got jungle fever. I want you to be a savage and ravage me." It's all weird and off-putting. My blackness is not the only thing that matters about me and other than some facial features, and my skin tone, that's pretty much all it dictates. Stop catcalling me, stop undressing me with your eyes, stop making weird comments, and stop playing games with me. With those uncalled for passes, you'll never to know the big black ...
 
The thing is that blackness and black people have long been fetishized and hypersexualized. Dating back to the times of the Transatlantic slave trade, white people treated black people as beasts, animals, and play things that were off-limits but lusted after. Black men still can barely even look at a white women without being accused of making an advance. Lynchings, murders, and KKK sponsored hate crimes were all committed in the preservation of the purity of the immortal white woman. Slave masters would rape, sexually assault, and violate their slaves often producing mixed race children who were separated from their blackness if they could pass for white, or sentenced to a life of slavery if they couldn't. Brown bags, one drop rules, and Jim-Crow segregation all tried to separate blackness from whiteness. Interracial dating, marriages, and sex are here to stay. At one point in time miscegenation, was illegal, but those days are gone, why then are people of color excluded from people's dating pools or off-limits as potential partners? That's how ingrained this society is in racism. We're steeped in it. It's drowning us. You could miss the love of your life before you're "preferences" said no. Even when people of different races get together, the racism, discrimination, and attacks they experience are ever present. Let me ask again, what does who someone loves have to do you? (sounds familiar right #lovealwayswins & marriage equality)
 
This whole search for a partner has been a huge joke. The first thing I have to think about in even contemplating talking to someone is whether or not they like black people. Read that last sentence again, what the actual hell? Then comes seeing if they find me attractive as a person. If we go on a date, I'm on the lookout and on the defense against unnecessary comments that expose deep harbored negative feelings. "I only date black people. You're not like the rest of your people. I think mixed kids are beautiful." Nope, just nope. Don't even get my started on people's obsession with mixed race children. The lightness of their skin and eyes though can just as a easily play into white supremacy with the way people fetishize them. Dark skin children are just as beautiful. Also why are you jumping to having children with me, you just met me? Know this isn't a black and white conversation, interracial and inter-ethnic discrimination is something Asian, Latinx, indigenous people, and white people experience as well. It also isn't limited to heteronormative relationships. Queer, gay, lesbian, etc. couples are subject to these issues as well. Dating someone of a different race is not selling out, it's leading with your heart, as we all should do daily. Step away from the big black ... 
 
What I know is I refuse to settle. I deserve happiness. I will have a worthwhile relationship with someone who loves each and every part of me. I want to be overcome with love. I want to enamored for the rest of my days. I want to be truly, madly, and deeply in unapologetic love with someone who feels the same for me. Whoever that person may be, whether they are black, a person of color, or a white person, I have no idea. I do not care. As long as you're willing to try with me, dialogue, and grow together, I'm prepared to give it a go. I will leave my heart and mind open to giving everyone a chance to get to know me. To both recognize, and look past my color to see me for me. I'm more than just some game to mess around with. I'm beyond a gimmick or a phase you go through. I'm better than a quick glance or a lustful romp. I'm a person. I have a heart. I inhabit a body. I am a soul. Recognize that, and forget the big black ... X