Lost Boy

The 20s are all about being afraid. Fear sometimes serves a purpose. While it can cause us to remain small, to cower, and to freeze, it can also be a powerful thing that motivates, exhilarates, and inspires us to do truly amazing things. Fear is what holds people back but also what pushes them forward. Fear is a double-edged sword that you have to know just how to wield. Fear can take us to dark places but also lead us to the light. Fear can keep us stuck but can liberate us all the very same. It can tell us we're alone or can bring us together. Fear is fear, is fear, is fear. Sometimes you have just get lost in the fear. Maybe you don't really need to be found. Try and find me, I'm a lost boy.

Quite possibly the scariest thing that I have ever experienced was coming to the realization that I would not be going to medical school after college. I had spent the entirety of my life preparing to do just that. I had my life planned out, medical school, then residency, wife, house, kids, starting my own non-profit, and staying connected to my closest friends. It was picturesque. It was perfect. It was flawless ... It wasn't real. The map I had never really been the cartographer for was scrapped. There was no dotted line to follow to an x-marking the spot. No road signs to guide me where I needed to go. No plane leaving a trail of smoke in the form of skywriting. I didn't and still don't know what to do. I'm writing that again to let it really sink in. I, me, yeah me, of all people am saying that I don't know what to do. The one thing I always knew I was good at was knowing what to do, always. Never am I at a loss for words. Never do I run out of ideas. Never have I ever not been able to see the future, my future, my life, my world. People have always told me I had a gift for writing, but really I think an even bigger gift I have is foresight. It's been my big secret weapon this entire time. My mind's eye can formulate ideas from beginning to end and it makes planning or giving ideas for almost anything uniquely simple. For once, not even my gifts could save me. I was afraid. I am afraid. I will be afraid. How do you know what you're supposed to do with your life? What if you choose the wrong thing? What if I'm making the biggest mistake of my whole life? I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm apprehensive. I want to know what the future holds for me but now that I have the freedom to determine what that future will be, I'm breaking. I'm crumbling. I'm shattering. I spent my life building my identity around that one career, and I understand now more than ever that it didn't define me but it that wasn't the definition of who I am/will be, then who/what is? It can't be me. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm wondering and walking in circles with absolutely no sense of direction. It's like the floor coming out from under you while 30,000 feet in the air and having never had no prior training. How am I supposed to take off, fly, or soar when I don't know where I'm going? I'm lost. I'm searching for me again. I'm looking for my personal truths. I'm scavenging for clues about myself. I'm a lost boy.
Whoever said that senior year was a breeze deadass lied. It's a class five hurricane. It's chaos. It's catastrophe. It's so different then every other year. The fact that you'll no longer be an undergraduate in less that a year adds this extra heavy weight on your mind and in your heart. Every time you hang with something you realize how final it all is. Yeah, it's exciting to be done in several months but what about afterwards. It's all such a struggle. This lost boy continues to be baffled. Last you heard from me Friday had come. I did class, headed downtown for a haircut and spent a good chunk of time socializing at the ALANA BBQ. Afterwards I ended up hanging out with some of my students from the summer (aka they made themselves at home at my apartment against my will). Warrick, Darrick, and Daniel chilled, had dinner, and had me rolling laughing. I spent the rest of my night making infographics and snacking before knocking out for bed before midnight. Saturday was a thunderously rainy day but I spent my morning smiling big and greetting people at the LGBTQA Welcome Back BBQ before pounding out some work and heading to the fraternity/sorority western themed corral. Let's just say it was interesting to say the least but we made it work. Met a few pretty quirky guys interested in fraternity life which made it all worthwhile. A Chipotle run was made and Zach and I succumbed to an episode of Jessie before turning down for sleep. Sunday morning was laundry with Zach and Dom before my small community service effort (birthday cards for youth in foster care) and a interfraternity council and my fraternity's chapter meeting. The night ended with me dancing recklessly in the car when Zach I went to Trader Joe's to get dinner. Sleep has taken over my life and I hit the hay once more. Weekend over, no clarity gained just even more randomness. Still a lost boy.

What am I looking for my life? I'm looking for my purpose. Every single day what I pray for to God above is to reveal to me His purpose for my life. Why am I here on this Earth, and what am I supposed to do to help this world and give glory to His name? That's it. That's all I want to know. I know for me that I want to work with directly helping people. I want to make a memorable impact on other people's lives. I want people to feel uplifted after their interactions with me and empowered to do big things. I want to enjoy my work and get excited to go back every day. I want to be visible and valued at my workplace. I want to make enough money to support the lifestyle I'm accustomed to but to also be able to give freely and without restraint to those who need it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be doing more school. We all know I'm not ready or qualified for any jobs to enter the work force. Is it going to be pursuing a career in journalism or stick with college and higher education & student affairs? Where will I be next year? Better question yet, who will I be next year? I hope to "find" myself (absolutely abhor that term; calls to mind imagery some insider identities exuding privilege) and learn to take things as they come. Spontaneity has always been an arch nemesis of mine but I think it's time to embrace the haphazardness. I'm a lost boy and I'm proud of it. The fear is driving me to do better, work harder, and try for longer than ever before. All I know is I will find the way, my way (and Big Gs too) because I have to. I'm equipped with what I need in who I am. I'll let my inner compass guide my true desires. Wish me luck!

My blog post question for the day is ... if you have nothing stopping you what would be your dream job? I think I would legit run a non-profit organization that supported teenagers from disadvantaged backgrounds or with particular cases of hardships get through high school and college.


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