Under the Surface

The 20s are all about following your heart. There is something to be admired about those with free spirits. Unbridled by the complications of life, nomadic in nature, and carefree with the world as their playground. How freeing it must be to be virtually without responsibility. How fulfilling it must be to do only what you want. How joyous it must be to be following your heart wherever it takes you. For the rest of us, we try to find a balance in doing what we have to and finding what makes us happy. The question is, how do we know what we're passionate about. We all know what we want, it's just under the surface.
Indecisiveness may be one of my biggest pet peeves. When I ask people to make a choice and they say it doesn't matter, that I should choose, or to surprise me, it just irks me so much. Maybe it's the fact that they've given up control over their decision so flippantly, maybe it's apathy or lack of showing the same amount of care I have the topic, or maybe it's the simple fact they don't have everything constantly figured out like I pretend to that gets me. I don't know what it is but pushes all the wrong buttons for me. I wouldn't have asked for your opinion if I didn't want or need it, I had a purpose in asking you so share. Anyway what I'm getting at is that often we give up on picking for ourselves and instead delegate others (family, friends, society etc.) to decide for us. For some things in the grand scheme of things it really isn't that big a deal like what to watch on Netflix (currently streaming About A Boy), toppings on a pizza (light white sauce, double cheese, and chicken please and thank you), or which way to head back home (sketchy sidewalk through or parallel to campus).

Other things really do matter like what you want to do for your livelihood, where you want to live, and who you want to be with (if anyone).I brought up my annoyance with haphazardness because when I ask people a few more times to give their perspective, they usually comply. It's not that hard. We know just under the surface what we want and need. It's a matter or digging just that teensy bit deeper. We know. You know. I know. Our heart's desire aren't as deep seated as we often imagine them to be. Often it's so apparent that we miss it. It's funny because other people can tell you exactly what you should do about you, but we ourselves are many a times incapable of doing just that. It gets better because we have that same ability to help others. Follow your passions and it will almost always lead you to where you should be. Follow your passions and it will almost always lead you to happiness. Follow your passions and it will almost always lead you to love.

It's time to stop saying I don't know. It's not good enough. Don't stand for it any longer. Do not accept it. Be bold and go forth. Be spontaneous and be out there. Be quirky and be you. Under the surface we know the truth of ourselves, and it's beautifully twisted, bright and complicated, tough and freeing all at the same time. What lies under the surface?
The background story of this semester so far has been me trying to figure out what I'm going to be doing next year as a college graduate. Will I be doing a fellowship for a nonprofit organization, studying in graduate school for journalism, or maybe pursuing a master's in higher education or student affairs? Who freaking knows, but by my logic above I do. It's so weird because I know my decision deep down. At moments it's right on the tip on my tongue, and I could just yell it any moment but so far I haven't. I don't know what I'm afraid or why.

People keep telling me to listen to my heart but I don't hear anything. They say to follow my dreams but I think my dreams may be too big. They ask me what makes me happy and that's one of the few things I have trouble explaining about myself. I know what gets me excited and what I'm passionate about. People, stories, events, social justice, laughter, writing, photography, graphic design, cultures, family, friends, and honesty. Wait, if you put all those things together, where does that point me? Journalism. Oh my goodness, I think I just decided what I want to do with the next part of my life. I always knew writing would bring the truth of what I want to the surface. I'm thrilled but scared at the same time. What if I can't do it? What if I'm wrong? What if I don't succeed? I guess I'll have to figure it out. The thing is that I know no matter what I'm doing, I'm going to be okay. Life is going to go on. I'm going to live and I'll be surrounded by those who love me lost, that's all that matters.
We give ourselves subtle hints at what we really want, like what you just read up there happened in live action as I sat in my room typing. What I was afraid to say out loud, my fingers and soul wrote for me. I want to be a journalist. So let me recap how I got here with the past few days. Throw it all the way back to Friday and after a meeting and some classes, I spent the afternoon with some of my fraternity brothers running dance practice for our upcoming Greek Sync performance. Chris Brown "Run It" and "Forever" played over and over as sweat dripped on my brow. Who knew counting to eight could both the best and the worst thing all at the same time. Dinner time came around and I had some of my favorite people over, Benjy (my summer orientation buddy), a classically quirky first year, Max, Willy and Dzenan. I absolutely love cooking and serving other people. It makes me heart happy to be able to feed other people and bring them together. We ate, laughed, laughed some more, played games, shared stories, and laughed even more. Again, I had this awareness of how comfortable was with everyone. Zach talked like only he can, and it was a solid few hours of being nowhere except exactly what I was.

Night fell and the two of us made our way downtown to enjoy the night. Off to a birthday party I went and my straight edge perpetual sobriety left me observing and making conversation in kitchens instead of getting turnt with the rest of them. From there, I stopped by my friend Isora's house where the pre-turn was going down. To the old North End we went to a house party that went from basic to mad fun real fast. All I have to say is when you place the music of diverse cultures, something changes in the atmosphere - people just get loose and free. I made my way back home and crashed just past 2AM (guess who's living that night life every once in a while). Apparently my inner socialite was just under the surface.

Saturday I went from doing dishes and singing (but One Direction "Steal My Girl" though) to apple picking with my friends Lila and Lexi. The orchard experience was cool but I think all of us sharing our worries about our futures was even more impactful and appreciated by me. I'll also give it up to Vermont for making fall be the most picturesque thing I've seen in a while. Sam and I hit up Chipotle before venturing to the movie theater to view the Maze Runner. Dylan O'Brien just bringing it and making the solid transition to the big screen. Great movie, tricky, clever, and intense as hell, definitely worth seeing. Sunday meant laundry with Zach and Dom (laudromat life) before fraternity life meetings in the afternoon into the evening.

My chapter had a potluck dinner that provided opportunity to get to know some of the brothers a little bit more. I especially connected with Eric and Kyle sharing embarrassing childhood pictures and talking about our home lives. That time is something I'll cherish and think of this week. Throughout the day I also head from all four of my siblings which always raises my spirits. I still need to hear their thoughts on what lies ahead for me but just hearing their voices gives me life like nothing else can. I am forever thankful that we are forever linked, I couldn't imagine existing without them. Monday gets fast forwarded through to the grad fair which was helpful and a little more complicated then I would have initially thought. I also talked to my old advisor for RHA (residence hall association) Drake about non-linear career paths, examining my passions, and understanding what my purpose in life might be. It was exactly what I needed, classic. I guess it was all just under the surface.
My blog post question for the day is ... what is something that you need to say but haven't for the longest time? For the first time in my life I'm afraid for my future. There I said it. It's unreal to say and even more to write to post online, but it's the truth.


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