Truth - Things rarely, if ever, work out the way we imagine them to. In fact, all the time spent obsessively trying to forecast the future only to be disappointed by the difference between our projected premonitions and reality, could be better spent trying to take things as they are. There's this part of humanity that desperately tries to make sense, meaning, perfect - what have you, out of the ambiguity of life. It's the paradox of predestination juxtaposed against the conceptualization of free-will. Are the two diametrically opposed, mutually exclusive, and the antithesis of one another? All I know is that people maybe vie for control because it gives them power to make things the way they want them instead of life running its unpredictable course. Who knows what will next. I think people just want some closure. 

"I don't believe you ever get closure on anything. Things leave a permanent mark on you." 
Allison Anders

Life is messy, people. Life is random. Life is out of our control. I think more and more I see people trying to put their lives together, and it makes me wonder about how much time I spend keeping up appearances rather than just living. It's all that effort to look a certain way. But why? I know the truth is that everybody is trying to figure it all out, to understand themselves, and to answer life's biggest questions. Why then? Maybe it's wanting to have command the illusion of control. When so much of life is out of my control, up in air, and beyond my reach, what do I do - I clean, I blog, hell - I play video games. Those things that I get to manipulate and have control over. It might seem minute but there is comfort in making peace with all the organized chaos. Goodbyes are never easy, and how often do they actually ever happen? Most of the time I get caught up in the "busyness" of life that I don't realize the significance of what is going on. I'm trying to be better; to be more there, you know? Me saying see you soon, when in reality, this may be the last time I'm with someone is not sensing the gravitas of what it all means. This will never happen again. These people will never be together, at least in this way, again. This is it. And yet, I still want closure but life gets in the way.

I think what I mean by wanting closure is to tell people how they have impacted me. How often do I stop to tell people what them sitting with me to eat lunch, asking me how my nieces were doing, or bringing me a lint roller means to me? That answer is rhetorical because it's not nearly enough. I pride myself on writing notes, and I mean heart-wrenching, tear-inducing, telling people who they are (at least to me) notes. The kind that shake you up because they are almost too personal. It's the ones that are so vulnerable and courageous that they really truly should be read in private. I write them, and pay particular attention to specifically naming what people have been for me, done for me, or said to me that made me feel love,  hope, challenge, and joy. I want people to know, and to have something tangible to keep of me. I want them to feel the light they have shone on me. I want them to know that they mattered to me. I don't think I (or the collective we) tell people how I feel about them often enough. I also don't think there is ever a limit to those expressions of feelings either. I strive to practice telling people in the moment or soon thereafter, whether verbally, in message form, or physically that they made me feel something. They reminded me I was alive. They did something remarkable. I want to do it more, and get some closure by telling people exactly how they have been significant to me. 

There is part of me that gets stuck on people and make me never want to let go. I don't whether it's because of how attached I've grown to them or because I'm afraid of change. I believe it some combination of both. Do I have a capacity of people I can actively "care" about? There are people I think about every single day, and others that pop up when I'm reminded of a song, a place, or a food. Those are the are forefront of mind get the brunt of my efforts to stay connected. What I don't want is for those that are far away is to feel forgotten or replaced. I don't think I have to be in constant contact with every single person I've ever met but I do think it is worthwhile to check in, to catch up, and even better yet to meet up. I don't know why but in my head, I have these fears that reaching out to people I haven't spoken to in a long while will be awful. It literally never is. People are always happy to reconnect with me, and when others appear of out the blue for me, I always feel good about it too. Maybe time does make memories fonder, and our attachment to things lessen. I like to think their grip on us loosen until I am able to liberate myself from their connection to me. It's not a replacement but rather a reframing where I take the lessons I learned from others and their interactions with me, but leave myself free from the excess of it all. No matter what, I carry my life experiences, and the people who were part of them - negative or positive, with me always. They are part of me. They are who I am. There's closure in knowing that they will always be with me.

Reflection is something that doesn't happen enough. It's the reason I blog. This is me processing through all the happens of my adventure of a life out loud, in real time, and in living color. Taking time to think about what I've been through, what I've experienced, and how I feel about all of it keeps me centered. It's doing it constantly that keeps me engaged and dynamic as opposed to waiting for life to pass me by, look back, and come to realizations after the fact. If I want to make changes, I can do them, right here and right now. If I want to tell people I care about them, I can do that immediately. If I need control, the only thing I have control of is me - and that is a big undertaking in and of itself. I cannot emphasize enough how much writing has helped me. I get to say what I need to say, regardless of whether anyone is listening (reading) or not. Putting it all out there for me is what helps me get closure. I say my piece, and leave with me peace. As my experiences come to a close, I take to heart knowing that I have given my best, my all, and my best asset - me. That's the closure I take with me. X


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