Sabotage

Truth - Sometimes the biggest obstacle standing in our way can be none other than us ourselves. What if happiness is a conscious choice to be positive, show gratitude, and demonstrate kindness to others? Regardless of whatever circumstances we might find ourselves in there still remains an element of choice in how we conduct ourselves. It can mean all the difference. The only thing we can ever control in life is ourselves. If we stand in our own way, the only one we have to blame is us. This is sabotage.
 
"I think that sometimes love gets in the way of itself - you know, love interrupts itself. We want things so much that we sabotage them." Jack White
I have a confession to make. I am someone who self-sabotages. There, I said it. What's even worst about is that I am self-aware and know why I do it when I'm doing it, and yet I still continue to purposefully demolish potential relationships before they have a chance to solidify. I use humor as a defense mechanism and I conduct all these tests. In reality, it's just me playing psychological games designed for all potential partners to fail and justify my knit-picky reservations about them. I find one thing I dislike about them and like a gateway drug, it opens up a whole myriad of issues on why I think we are incompatible. I ask pointed questions with only specific correct answers that should not be deal-breakers but in the moment they like they are. I expect people to read my tumultuous emotions and see through all the fronts I put up as if they are clairvoyant or able to call straight up bullshit. I literally put on a show and act as if I'm up for Oscar for lead actor in a dramatic performance all to see how someone will react. I push and prod, dissect, and overanalyze their every move, word, and expression. I set booby traps and take issue with the most unnecessary things. I walk the line waiting for them to give up, call it quits, and throw in the towel (*read final rose). When they leave, I tell myself that they were not right for me, that I deserve better, and that I was right all along. In actuality, I never actually gave them a chance. I was never fully being myself. I didn't try. I played pretend. I manipulated. I created an inevitable self-fulfilling prophecy that I am un-lovable. No, I am just sinisterly gifted in the dark art of self-sabotage.
 
What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? How did I become this person that self-destructs whenever someone tries to pursue them romantically? I do not accept the love, affection, or kindness that other people show me. Maybe I don't think I deserve it. Perhaps it doesn't show up in a way that is familiar to me so I do not recognize it. If we go deeper still, it could be an irrational fear of not being loved. No, unpack that a little more. It might be rather a fear of being loved so much I lose myself. That's it. There I put it out there. Why am I crying as I write this? Why was this so hard for me to admit? What happened to me to make me this way? Am I selfish for harboring that trepidation within me? I don't think so, but the way it is currently manifesting itself in catastrophically destructive ways is unhealthy. The most twisted part is I genuinely think I enjoy watching it all implode. In some ways making people question their every emotion is fun for me in a diabolically disturbing sense. For someone who strives to radiate light, that's a pretty dark place to go. My mind says one thing, and that is usually to be rational and to stop messing with people's lives, but my heart is perpetually static in a defensive stance unwilling to escape this self-constructed labyrinth of solitude. I have to let myself actually be vulnerable. I need to trust that people have good intentions. I must believe that I am worthy of love. The sabotage has to stop.
 
Worrying is quite possibly my second favorite pastime behind grocery shopping. There is truly nothing like having a full fridge with all my favorite foods, but I digress. I worry incessantly. It's actually my mundane existential crisis mode. I am anxious. I am nervous. I am scared. I don't want to be though. I want to stop making lists, creating impossible tasks, and unattainable standards. I want to live in the moment, be present, and show up genuinely. I want to be authentically vulnerable, decisive, and fair. I want to wanted, liked, and loved without restriction, hesitation, or question. I want to be open to love, not the one ruining it before it can even begin. I worry about not finding someone, and I worry that I am too okay with it - to the point where maybe my mis-adventures in dating are all futile because I don't have the intention of finding someone. I may just very well be all that I need, and that worries me. It seems like I have given up before I even really try. I owe it to myself to shut down my worries for once and embrace the uncertainty of fully being invested in a connection with another person. I have to get out of my head and in to my heart. I just need to try.  
 
Shocked is my state whenever I find out people I find attractive also find me attractive. I remain in disbelief because it does not compute. Me, of all people? Really? Are you sure you don't have me mixed up with someone else? I do fit the description (#tooreal). I'm someone you want to get to know better? You did the strategic triple instagram picture double tap with the heart eyes emoji commented for good measure on my feed? You reacted to my profile picture update as love and swiped right, on me? Are you feeling okay? Did you drink the punch? Am I being Punk'd? I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that other people might actually like like-like me, ya know? On one hand I know what I bring to the table. I also despise pretending to be oblivious to what I'm working with.

I have learned the ways of the wink, the lip bite, and the big smile. My arsenal of flirtatious moves compliment my scratchy voice, impeccable wardrobe, and clutch ability to be witty/charming with my words. I have ambition, passion, and empathy. I know pop culture, crack jokes constantly, and can do many a household thing. In short, I am a top catch that knows his brand. On the other hand, I remain caught off guard when someone puts in effort to catch me. You want my number? You think I'm handsome? You want to see me again? I don't know. I'm just shook and yet I'm woke. Are you still beautiful even if you don't recognize your own beauty? It's one thing to joke about false narcissism and another to take to heart that you are desirable, enticing, or even downright sexy. I don't see myself that way. I'm confident but insecure. I'm hot but awkward. I'm charismatic but quirky. I am a walking oxymoron of epic proportions. I am one who self-sabotages, but also one who can save themselves from their arch nemesis ... me. X

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