Girl Almighty

The 20s are all about realizing you absolutely know nothing. There are just some topics that it's okay to not be a know-it-all about. For me, that's many things, but most definitely women, dating, and anything that has to do with relationships. It's not like you go through any formal training in the topic of courtship, love-chasing, or getting the hookup - whatever you want to call it. It's not something you learn in school, and it'd be awkward as hell if your parents taught you the ways of attraction. You fumble, stumble, and tumble your way through the struggle - in its fullest form. You pray, beg, and plead up above, and then acquiesce to the girl almighty.

The ways in which college changes everything never cease to amaze me. Even how people go about meeting new people, finding potential partners, or just downright hooking right on up has changed drastically in my time here. It seems like people have taken their impatience to all new levels with the advent of Tinder, Grindr, and Snapchat among other things. It's like those half-assed yet hilarious J.G Wentworth settlement claims commercials, "It's my hookup and I want it now" have come to life. Based on one picture and scantily clad bios people swipe left or right letting someone know they're interested. The geolocation aspect too steps it up by giving you a radius of potential. Faster than you can have a pizza delivered, you could possibly have a person to do whatever you both consent to (cause that's necessary, always) in a matter of minutes. To other people that must sound both exciting and exhilarating but to me that sounds truly terrifying, unbearably awkward, and superficially impersonal. Call me old-fashioned but I cannot imagine making a meaningful connection just by looking someone's selected photos (at least a full facebook creep is necessary). But then again, those apps aren't really for meaningful anything. You don't look to meet someone for a relationship on Tinder, you use Tinder to get a hook up.

Hook up, damn how that phrase has changed meanings. When I first came to college I thought it was generally understood that making out was hooking up. You swapped spit, bit some lips, and did the two tongue tango. Apparently, I was wrong because hooking up has come to mean full on smanging (smashing and banging #YouTube overload). Every single kind of sex - like full on intercourse, finger-laden foreplay, oral wonders, and everything in between. I'm like damn. You're telling me if someone asks you to hook up that you just go and like go. I'm both out of the loop and behind on the times because that seems like a lot, at least for me. The whole hook-up scene that is bred in/on decrepit house party basements, sticky kitchen counters dripping with spilled beer, and creaky creepy corny front porches just turns me off, maybe to my generation even. You're telling me that you expect me to drop my pants and go all in on someone else's bed with a slightly ajar door with someone I barely know and am just carnally attracted to. Nope. Pause, nah, no way, not going to happen. My mind is telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me  ... no #dafuq. It all just seems so dirty, brash, and dangerous. I don't know you, let alone where you've been and who with. These places look like something out of every disgustingly horrible American Pie straight to DVD disaster. I'm going to need a little bit more than a "you're hot, let's get out of here" like DOB, social security, proof insurance for starters. I kid, I kid (this what I imagine house parties to be like seeing as I've never properly been to one so debaucherous). Hold up, wait a minute, let me put some Lysol up in it. Girl almighty, we've got to talk.

It has become clear to me that women (if we're keeping it heteronormative) control the game. First of all, what is this game? It must be one I'm bad at because I always lose, Monopoly, Sorry, Shoots & Ladders. Let me know so I can least read the rule book. I understand society says that men are supposed to initiate first contact (what is Call of Duty, am I entering enemy territory) but that's like playing Battleship blind-folded. How am I supposed to call out your ships if I don't know where my torpedoes are (read that without innuendo, please and thanks #muffed)? But seriously, as 21 year old man, boy toy, semi-kind of guy person who's never been on a date, never been kissed, and never done so much as even full on check out a girl, what are you supposed to do? Recently I discovered this app called Lulu where girls can rate guys on their sex game, all the way down to their humor. Some people call it reverse-sexist, and I'm like no such thing - men rate, degrade, and ogle women on the daily and in public #catcalling. But I was rated a 9.8/10 which is super weird, because no one has ever had the experience of me (as if that's a thing). It did make me realize that I could and probably should be playing this game, even if I don't know or like the rules, because apparently some people out find this overworked, underslept, socially awkward mess of a person also known as me attractive. Like why though? What is there to like? Inquiring me would like to know. Girl almighty, help a brother out.

This week I think I accidentally flirted with a girl. I say accidentally, because I don't think I've ever purposefully tried to give off pheromones (or is that just body sweat, the world may never know). It's rare that I have crush on someone (as juvenile as it sounds #Bosher) because I would definitely say I fall for personalities then looks. Of course outward appearance matters, I would be lying if I said otherwise, but with the most candor I can muster I will say if who you are on the inside gets me going (selfless, passionate, intelligent, funny, etc.) that's what matters by far. The hottest thing someone can do is show kindness to other people, that above all else piques my interest. So back to my story, I had gotten off the bus and was walking home when this girl who for sure has it going on walks right by me, looks me in the eyes, and says hi. Uncharacteristic of me, I locked eyes with her smiled big and bright, and replied hey in a deeper than usual version of my scratchy voice. Didn't break stride, looked left and right to cross the street and caught her looking back at me. That's the one sign I know in this damn game and it means, that one sees something in this one. You know I went home and immediately texted three of my buddies to discuss (yeah, some of us guys do it too). Lucky via snapchat they all confirmed that I was looking quite near my best and that extra bass in the voice was prime. Even in writing I realize how ridiculous all of this is. Guys, at the ones I know also talk, chat, and agonize over relationships, finding bae, and the complications of sex. The things we do to figure out other people, huh. Girl almighty, you have lost this round. You showed your hand.

This whole dating thing, or I guess for me the lack thereof, is so complicated. For some guys it seems so easy. I'm like why and how do you look like that, and they add their flirt game and I'm like oh, I might as well quit before I even start. I guess I can acknowledge that I have this huge fear of the unknown. At this point I don't know if I want or need someone else. Maybe I don't require intimacy and that's probably because I've never had it so I may not know what I'm missing out on. I am a hopeless romantic, that's for sure. I have all these ideas for picnics, park dates, ice-skating (maybe that One Direction music video copied off of me?) etc. that have never been put to use. My friends think I should get a Tinder but I'm like I'm not handsome enough, wouldn't know what to say, and would rather eat pizza and watch Netflix. Besides, tinder dates sound like some weak kindling (Connor that was for you). I can't imagine spending that much time with someone which is weird because I do it all the time with all my platonic friends. I think I have this unnecessary expectation of at least "the big kiss" (dear gosh, someone get me a TV show). Add me being straight edge as in now drugs or alcohol, and the icing on the cake - abstinent, and you get a complicated man. My goal this year was to at least get the kiss over with but I've yet to do that. I've got one more semester, girl almighty, I'm counting on you.

My blog post question for the day is ... how do you get over the initial awkwardness of playing the game called love/lust? Yeah, please let me know because obviously I still haven't, like at all.


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