"My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude” Warsan Shire

Find someone, meet someone, be with someone - we live in a society that deems us incomplete lest we have someone else. I don't subscribe to that ideology. I believe in wholeness. I believe in additions not completions. I believe in co-creation not achievement. Togetherness is not the opposite of singledom. People are often "together" but distanced and isolated nonetheless. The more I move through life I have come to realize that what people want, need, and desire in others varies - drastically. For some, the quest for their one true love, their perfect match, soul mate, if you will occupies them. It seems effortless. 

For others, it's people that may not "fit" together but put in the effort to make it work. For others still it's a sort of crowd-sourcing, so that their "someone" is not their everything - it's sharing different kinds of love with different people. And there are those that aren't participating in the search for that special someone. All those dynamics are valid. Why are radically uncomfortable with anyone's m.o. that falls outside the romanticized search motif for romance? Why do we fundamentally believe that people cannot/are not fulfilled without the romantic love of someone else? Are we worried that other people's realities and lived experiences invalidate ours, make us question ourselves, cast doubt? It's possible for all our realities, perspectives, wants/needs to exist simultaneously. Someone is AND is not for everyone. 

Agents of socialization in all their forms, family, religion/belief, media, institutions, etc. have bombarded us with narratives and imagery of what life is supposed to be. We're supposed to have these adventurous hi-jinks, make mistakes, experience devastating heartbreak, meet our perfect one, and live happily ever after. We're supposed to "meet-cute" bump into someone that we look longing at while butterflies rumble in our stomachs, our hearts soar, and our minds set off fireworks. We're supposed to fall madly in love effortlessly, flawlessly, perfectly. What we've been sold is accurate for some, and it is wildly unrealistic for even more. Life is messy. Love can be confusing. People are simply complicated, and complicatedly simple.

This social expectation of love can be suffocatingly restrictive. It's this judgment of those who have been "unlucky in love." It's this sense of undesirability. It's this feeling of unworthiness, of being unlovable, of being not enough. It's the gnawing "but what about me." It's people constantly asking about your nonexistent love-life. It's the inquisition of "why are you single?" rather than why am I so concerned with the matters of your heart, mind, and body. It's the expectation of love, marriage, and biological children. It's a narrow story that wants to be a monolith when it really should be a diverse anthology with limitless renditions. It's a forcing of heterosexual, gender-normative, intraracial, traditionalism. It's a pestering to go with someone, but not just anyone, a perfect one who has to be exactly like all those who have come before you. 

I've never been in love. To be honest, it's rare that I like other people romantically beyond a second date. I am decisive. I know within fifteen minutes if that mythical spark I've been indoctrinated into yearning for is there. I also know that sometimes it's a slow burn, and to be open to unexpected possibilities. I know my ideal person is literally me except somehow funnier, and that is my truth. I know that my life experiences, social circles, purposing, and educational attainment has essentially eliminated 99% of potential someones. I'm a recovering elitist, and know that if someone is meant for me they truly are one in a million. I know what I value, who piques my interest, and what I need in another (empathy, thoughtfulness, passion, social consciousness, and humor). I'm well aware of what I'm bringing to the proverbial table, and it's damn good. I can clearly see how socialization has impacted me, what I find attractive, and even more so why others may not be attracted me (*cough black *cough). I know what unconditional love looks and feels like. I know I will never settle for anything or anyone less than what I deserve - the best. I refuse to link my worth to someone's valuing of me. I know that I am worthwhile, worth it, and worthy. I am not waiting for someone. I am living my life, whole, complete, full, and loved open to someone, not anyone, who knows their worth. I am content with "living single" and would be humbled to get to be a parent without or with a someone; either way it's happening.  I know that I am my own someone, and I'm not waiting but rather living a loved life without a love life. 

I love seeing other people in love. I love when others have joined their someone. I love when people demonstrate love towards themselves, especially when they are in love. I love the way love changes people, makes them brighter, spreads across their face slowly, and radiates from them. I love celebrating love. I love when people express love in healthy and vulnerable ways to one another. Love viewed up close is gloriously special. Love with effort and love that appears effortless look impactful. I have learned to use the word love sparingly, with intentionality. I have learned to love people without conditions but not carte blanche reckless abandon. I know to love carefully and thoughtfully. I get to be genuinely joyful for love. I get to witness this awe-inspiring phenomenon all around me. I get to be part of people's love stories. I get to live loved. I may not get someone or anyone, and understanding that makes it okay. I am in love with me, truly, madly, and deeply, and that has taken work. I am loving me affectionately, gracefully, and authentically. I am loving. I love. I. X


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