Black or White

Being a teenager is all about figuring out the world around you. Things are never what they seen. People are more than what they appear. Situations arise and each and every one of them is different. Instances never come around the same way twice. We love in a place that isn't so black or white, it's all 50 shades of grey gray.
One of the biggest changes I had to go through in college was my system of evaluating people. Let me just say that people need to be honest, all we do as people is judge one another. It's how we assess who is safe and who's dangerous. It's how we form our opinions of one another. Every interaction, from the awkward laughs, tear-jerking moments, to the intense smoldering eye contact or lip-biting from across  the room (apparently my smolder-stare and lip flirting is the stuff of legend #saidnooneotherthanmyselfever) adds to someone's impression of you. It's like a moving scale, do something funny, cute, honest or cool and people judge you for the better, do something wrong in their book and get knocked out of the running altogether. I don't know about you but I'm one of those people who trusts too easily, and falls way too hard for friendship or crushes. I have ridiculously unrealistic expectations that no one ever lives up to. I find myself disappointed by the people around me and surprised by their actions and statements. I never expect people to say what they say or do what they do and it's because I'm too quick to put my crazy ideals on them to live up to. The funny thing is I'm the only that lives up to them. What I'm trying to say is college is a place where things aren't so black and white. In high school, I was a good kid - hung around with the good kids, meaning there were bad kids. The bad kids did drugs, drank alcohol, had sex, and used foul language among other things. If you did anything of those things in high school, I wrote you off instantly - you were doing the wrong things which made you a bad person, plain and simple. I went into college with that same mentality and found it absolutely impossible to like people. Everyone seems nice when you first meet them, then they do something like smoke little weed here, take a shot there, or sleep around like they're leading a prostitution ring (seriously dorms are like brothels *excuse the word "dorm" here - in this context it's correct, otherwise it's always residence hall) and I'm like taken aback, disgusted, betrayed and withdrawn. I figured out real fast that not talking to people because they did things I didn't approve of was me still thinking things were black or white. No one else is like me, my morals are just that ... my morals. No one else's - I can't expect people to live up to my beliefs and my standards because they're just my own. This created this whole gray area. Where I currently would honestly say I haven't made those profound friendships in college like I did in high school because of this. I don't know who to trust. Everyone does things I'm not about, and if everyone is doing something wrong, how am I supposed to tell who's good and who's bad? What is bad - or it is those stupid shades of gray again?

You might think it's crazy to write people off just because of one action or one thing they said, but let's face it. We're teens and that's all it takes. Think about how often you judge me, it's a daily reoccurrence. What they're wearing, what they look like, the color of their skin, their sexual orientation, what they smell like, who they hang around with, what they sound like - the list of things goes on and on. It's not so far fetched to use one defining factor to put people in those mental boxes. We do it all the time. While it may be wrong because people are more than just one thing, it's still human nature to do so. I'm not just a boy, African-American, lower-upper class, moderate, straight, multilingual, preppy, Christian, vain, narcissistic, handsome, funny, empathetic, or dramatic - there's not one defining factor or me, I'm all the shades of those things and more. Things aren't so black and white. People are more than their actions (but at some level aren't we just those actions) and things are way more complicated than that. College forces you to reevaluate your beliefs, your standards and what you stand for. Is it me being stubborn and unwilling to change my "radical ideas" - maybe, maybe not. If I did change my morals to adapt to the new environment I've been put on wouldn't that be counterproductive to the point of morals (that they're unwavering). If I changed then that would be me being fake and succumbing to the pressures of the outside, and that's not me. The world may be tinted, shaded and faded so the lines all blur together, but I'm clearly black or white on who I am and what I think. Some people say I might be a hopeless romantic or an idealistic loyal but I'm okay with it. I will wait until the end of time to find the people I've been looking for. I'm not giving up hope, or giving up the search for someone to complete me. Even if it's in vain, I'd rather look for that perfect girl then settle for something less. Love isn't something I will ever settle for, if I end up alone - that'll be me, at least I'll know I was unwavering in my expectations of my better half. Black or white, day or night, good or bad, love or hate - it's mixture of both extremes.

Being a teenager is all about making your own rules to live by. No one can tell you what to do or how to live your life. You have to come up with your own code and live by it. The difference between right and wrong is all up to what you consider okay and not okay. You make the laws that govern your own life. What's right and what's wrong is up to you. Things aren't so black or white, they're all fifty different shades of gray.

*All I can say is this winter break has been a thoughtful one so far. Just thinking about my time at school and I'm proud of what I've done and what I've accomplished. I've kept myself free of substances and all those complicted bodily fluids. Some of things have a time and place, and some will never be okay for me. If you've been wondering what I've been up to it's spend hours watching "Beaver Falls" - "Immortals" with Henry Cavill and Freida Pinto - and rewatch "Greek" and finish up "Slide." I go to bed at like 3 am or later every night and sleep until noon. It's the good life, and I'm not ashamed of it. Black or white, who cares?

My blog post question for the day is ... what's your favorite color? I'm all about that bold crimson-red, it's all royal and princely and what not.


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