Keeping Sanity

Being a teenager is all about keeping yourself stable and off the edge of sanity. Let me tell you there are ton of times during the school year, and even the summer that I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't what is it but everything just piles up and you literally loose your mind. It's such a random thing but every week I go grocery shopping on Sunday nights (yeah, me by myself with my parent's credit card) and seeing as I lack the ability to drive my mom would have to take me. She's always busy and each week it would get later and later, sometimes it'd be at midnight, and I have school in the morning. It got to the point where I couldn't even handle it anymore, I was always a mess on Monday I just completely broke down, right in the kitchen. Sank to the ground and just thought about how ridiculous my life was. Some deep breathing and a reality check and I was back business. If I get time a make a list I can really get things almost obsessively organized. I'm a multi-tasker but there's only so much you can take. You feeling me? It's all about keeping your sanity.

This whole trilogy thing has been an odd experience. It's taking me back to the 8th grade when I lost my best friend, was socially shunned and frankly bullied to the point where I contemplated suicide. Reliving all the out of control moments I've had to deal with, and even all the situations I didn't share, it's still a catharsis if I've ever had one. Whenever people bring up wanting to give up, I always take it seriously, like it's not a joke, because I've deff and probably most of you, have had suicidal thoughts. It doesn't make you crazy, it doesn't make you weird; it just means you're a normal teenager. So the focus of these posts, my brother. Now our warfare was and still is a twisted one. From the fighting, to the secrets and lies (blackmail) and now the psychological part of the entire ordeal. One of things I've never told anyone is that, as in you'll be the first to know, that I'm self-conscience about my teeth. Their like abnormally large (don't tell me otherwise, at the orthodontist they almost had to special order parts for my braces) and my brother would always bring it up. He called them prickly teeth and that was the beginning of it. It's one thing for people to call you names, but when they start making fun of you and you know deep down that it's true, it messes you up. Then there was of course the notion that who knows started that just because I don't have skanktastic whores fawning all over me that I was gay. Like seriously, I'm sorry I'm not a steroid hulked out horn dog, or a douchey lax bro. Some guys approach girls a different way, as in friends first, with dignity and respect. Even now writing this to advise all of you, it still hurts to think about. But that's teenagedom. People will push your buttons and hit you exactly where it hurts. Whether it be your self image, or anything else personal to you. You'll have to learn to take it, fight back, and reflect.

It's little things from time to time that still bother me. On my graduation day, I came out after receiving diploma to find my family and the first thing my mother said to me was that the face I was making made me look ugly. Okay, it was hot as hell, and I hate taking pictures, and smiling in general (teeth issues) but that's how face is when I'm not laughing. I naturally look sour, disinterested and above everybody - probably a reason people claim they're afraid to talk to me until they get to know me. That's one hit. Then there were the cameras flashing and there's my mom coaching from behind the flashes that I need to stop elongating my neck, and stop showing my teeth. Second hit. And then came our turn, just me and her to take pictures. Up close and personal for her to be like your big smile makes you look terrible. From there it was fake smiles, and then of course in the care she asks me why I always have a bad attitude. Let me tell you keeping your sanity when people tell you your ugly is a hard art to master. There's been tons of times where I wished I looked like somebody else, but I always remember that this is how I'm supposed to be and if someone doesn't like all this, they can deal with it, because I'm not going to change. You've got to work with what you're given. It's all about keeping your sanity.

The worst thing about being a teenager is hearing people talk about you. It's so weird to know just as much as you are running you mouth about so and so, someone out there is doing the same with you. Quite possibly the most astonishing thing is when you overhear your friends talking about. This year it happened. We were all at a football game, I turned away for like four minutes to talk some classmates behind us and I don't know if they forgot I was there or just didn't care, but they started whispering and dropping my name multiple times. Apparently I can be annoying. Well shoot, if we're supposed to be friends why are you talking about me. That's something I've never told anyone right there, not even they know that I know that I heard them. It's things that like that you keep to yourself, if only to keep your sanity. One of my favorite things to do whenever I hear people talking about me, whether it be good or bad, I just say obnoxiously as possibly, "Oh I can hear, so if you've got something to say, say it to my face, I'm listening." That's definitely a conversation killer, and it'll teach people not to mess with you.

Being a teenager is all about time management and learning how to filter what you take to heart. People are inconsiderate, rude, and sometimes just downright mean, but words are just that, words. And high school DOES NOT last forever. Four years can feel like a long time, but I promise you it does get better in the long run.

My blog post question for the day is ... what stress you out most?
Always feeling like I forgot something.


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