Hot and Bothered

Being a teenager is all about bracing the heat. The past weekend has been one of the hottest on record like ever. It was so hot, and BTW, will continue to keep burning up in this heat wave, that the eastern seaboard was threatened to overload and cause a massive power outage. Like dang, some people need to sacrifice their air conditioning so the rest of us can keep dry, all I know is something's got to give. These days, going outside is like a death sentence, you can't breath, you start getting wet with sweat all over, and the sun is bright. We need to get back that damn ozone, Al Gore was right. It was so hot, this CNN reporter literally fried an egg - that's no joke. Sun screen my ass, if you're going to get, you'll be burnt. Who knows anything anymore, we all are hot and bothered.

The summer means the longest days, and it's getting hotter and hotter. It's like literally hell on Earth, and there's nothing you can do about it. The other day I walked to my mailbox, barefoot, like I do on a daily basis (don't judge me, it makes me feel alive) and the sidewalk and driveway were like foot frying pans. Needless to say, my feet were burned and scarred for life. Now, whenever I go out, I always experience the weirdest things. Sweat, it's foul as eff, and generally gross. If I see people sweating to the point where it's dripping like Kevin Garnett after the fourth quarter of an intense game, it makes me feel sick. Like take a shower or something. It smells sick nasty, and looks unbearable disgusting. Nowadays, everybody is sweating, it's pretty unavoidable, but when someone bumps in to you and their shirt sticks to their back, and your arm comes away wet, it make you shutter. Good gosh, whenever I see people raise their arms, I cringe, the yellow pit stains are taking over the world. It's called get some anti-perspirant, it prevents you from unsightly rings of dark sweat. That's such a major embarrassment, and it needs to be dealt with. If you shirt is a light blue, but the majority of it, like the V on your chest and the square on your back are dark blue, you're sweating out your clothes. I don't know about you, but when I sweat (which is rare) my arse gets stuck to my boxers and I'm a walking wedgie mess. The perspiration needs to go, take a shower, and clear up the ugly. I'm both hot and bothered.

Summer means that you'll often be in large groups of people. If you smell, do something about it. It's not okay to smell like hot testicle sweat, and ass wipes. Guys, if you're going to adjust yourself, do something with your hands afterwards. I've seen way too many teens loose their dignity by doing moving the family jewels, then smell their fingers. That's seriously messed up. I don't what it is but people just smell bad. Girls are supposed to smell like flowers, fruits, and general femininity, not bacon fat and lard chunks. If there's a hot draft emanating from your person, you need to take care of it as soon as possible. People do notice when you smell like shat. Bros you should smelling like manhood and machoness, I personally smell like sex - not like I just did the dirty, but my bodyspray is intoxicating. Deodorant is not optional, and showering is not a choice, it's mandatory. Girls, if you've got a situation in your pants, fix it, and if you've got some feminine stenches, get those checked out. If I stand near you, and you're smelling like chipmunk farts, and lion booty, you're not getting anything from all this. I don't know what it is about obese people but when they sweat it's like their pores release rotten sausage juice, pickled body hair, and fat roll icing. It's a distinct scent and it brings me to the point of vomiting. Pile on the fresh scents, you're getting me bothered and hot.

Hot and bothered is of course one of my favorite teenage terms. Now that I've used it to warn the world or sweat and odors, it's time to use it in the flirtatious sense. Lately, I've been seeing girls who just get me hot and bothered. I'm talking, slow motion, hubba hubba, jaw dropping, life changing hotness monsters. Like damn girl, where have you been all my life. You know you're hot and bothered, when your body temperature rises, you start puffing out your clothes, and you get so light headed, you just gaze off into the hotness. Gorgeous girls are coming out of the woodwork, I quite possibly may have encountered my college hottie. Baby girl, you get me so hot and bothered that when I see you, I'm forced to do something about it. Like, I have to talk to this person; it's like they're drawing you in, pulling you close. It's the same for both guys and girls, whenever you go some place and you catch a glimpse for the sexiest piece of girlie/hunksicle you've ever seen, and you make your away around the room, stealing a longing look that steams you right on up, you're getting so hot and bothered. It's like you shouldn't even be allowed to both look like that, and do this to me. Ladies, tell your stud muffin "he can get it" and bruh bruhs, call the temptress over with a "come mess me up." If you're not hot and bothered, you must be on ice.

Being a teenager is all about making fun of literally everyone. I'm telling you the world is a funny place, and I hope you take these posts for your classic teenage advice, and for some humor. If you're in public and somebody smells like fire dragon toe funk, making a grossed out face is not popping. You can deal with the stank for a while, but if people smell, it's not your place to tell them. And if you get so fixated on the hottie with the nice body, use your ignited passion and go and get it. It's summer, live a little.

My double blog post question for the day is ... what gets you hot and bothered? I need a girl with eyes that are so piercing that when she looks at me, it's like she's scanning the very depths of my soul. Long hair, so when we dance she can whip it around like nobody's business. Full lips, and thick eyebrows. Soups on!


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