Gnarly Bro

Being a teenager is about hanging out with your friends and having the greatest times knonwn to man. Summer is the perfect time to try something new, get out of your comfort zone and hang out with your buds. Everybody gets tired of hearing the same old stories, so why not go out and make some new ones. As you all know, I give literally everyone a nickname when I see things, either based on their name or their actions. Some of my favorites, Falcon Face, Pretty Boy, So Chill, Babyface, Deuces, College Babe, Jakey Bear and Chasey Chase-em. There's a story behind each and every one of them too, it's time to get real, make fun of people, and get so gnarly bro.

So yesterday I had a great day, one of the best days so far this summer. While I had to get out of bed at like 9 o'clock in the morning (I like to sleep past noon on a daily basis) it was absolutely worth it to make the most out of memorable day. We sported our swim trunks and hit the Beach, Waterpark that is, "where you go to get real." It was an amazing day to say the least. The place is a combination of unique, a little foul, but a whole lot of fun. The best rides for sure were the tandem ones, I'm telling you I felt a whole lot safer with a friend connected to me. It's hilarious to ride backwards and to just be cascaded with water. One of the many highlights of the day, swinging on the monkey bars, ringing the bell, and plunging into the deep end, harder than I remembered. Getting stuck on in a whirlpool and former schoolmates fishing you out to push you along, geekable. Being bombarded with freezing water on the lazy river, which took more effort than I expected, ironically. The funniest thing, when one lifesaver blew the whistle, the rest looked to figure out which direction and point, us as friends, did the same, Superman poses to boot. Change of lifeguard shift, and riding down pretty much racing a pair of sandals, probably made my day. It was just one of those days of summer that make you say, gnarly bro.

Other than all the rides and the funny faces, the other best part of the day was people watching. I'm telling you, I saw the wildest things and heard the most embarrassing conversations. At one point, we were just hanging out in the wavepool and waiting for our gracious host to take the extreme plunge down "the Cliff" and the waves started crashing, hard. It was hilarious, the 4 lifeguards all stood up to actually pretend to look concerned, everyone started slamming in to each other and little kids were literally washing up on shore like floundering fish out of water. Me, just standing and squinting looking for the daredevil, and all of a sudden like three kids are clinging on to my legs for deal life. It was like I was caught in human seaweed, there's nothing to do but laugh. The guests and the staff alike had some nick-nameable characters. The cute girlie working behind the counter at the food shack, who most definitely was staring at me whenever I looked away but moved right before I was about to go up to her to order, and flat out flirt with her is now dubbed Smoothie Hottie, for her muy bueno good looks, and sessy eyebrows (don't judge me, she had it going on). At the lillypad net-rope contraption we were under the less than watchful eye of Lifeguard-Bro, for his retro Biebs like hair (with extra-flippy action), Ray Bans sunglasses, and hardcore look of boredom. If ever there was someone checking themselves out, it would be him. On the way to the Aztect runaway ride, we saw GTL (Gym-Tan-Lifeguard) complete with the Pauly D slicked back hair and the Situation bod, and a personal supply of water which I suspect was actually Ron Ron Juice. There was of course Jordan Tool with the obnoxious red sunglasses, vampire canine teeth, and a single Airman earring, what's the haps bro, for a lifeguard he seemed to be more than focused on certain girls. On the rapids, being aided by the hot and dangerous, Riverside Beauty, Lifeguard was well worth it, ole girl deff winked at all this. The desperate hair flinging lifeguards, trying to be coy with another crew member, who probably didn't know of their existence, unbearably funny. And lastly, the Beach Boy who possibly could have stolen any girls heart, muttering "Excuse me, you looking for a girlfriend, because you could this girl right here" might have been a whole lot of wild, like gnarly bro.

One of the most popular things of the day had to be pregnant women in two piece bikinis. I love me some pregnancies, but dang girl, you be looking gross these days. A waterpark is not the place for a woman whose expecting, and that's not just me being myself as always, literally all the rides had warnings for chicas with child are not recommended to ride. If you're prego then you shouldn't be tanning or laying out in the water. Even at the wave pool women looking almost full term, you know I have the uncanny ability to judge how far along they are, legs open just chilling in the water. I, personally prefer natural births but some people are just weird and like that underwater birthing. And if I'm swimming around with the wave-like undulations swirling around and you start making the excrutiating noises of childbirth, there's no lifeguard who's trained as a midwife, get your humpback whale of a self, stretch marks and nausea in all out of the water. It had to be said. Now, I don't know if it was just the day we happened to go, or what, but literally EVERYONE had a tattoo. Y'all know my view on getting tatted up, it's immoral, and looks like you've been permanently inked by a leaky squid. But people, as in both guys and girls, of all ages, some old creepy looking scum bags, and pre-teen looking types were just walking around in swimwear showing off their less than fresh signature tattoos. Listen here girlies, if you've got some damn Live, Laugh, Love saying tatted on you, it's not cute, nor is it necessary. Oh and the piercings like everywhere, make me want to projectile vomit blood, all over you. Keep it classy and stick to earrings only. Bros, getting a cross doesn't make you religious, that's kind of a contradition you oxy-moron. And just because you be looking like a Hollister model, does not mean you need the classic pelican type birdie thingy scrawled on you. Not a good look, but that's gnarly bro.

Being a teenager is all about sharing in the greatest days of summer with your friends. Take the plunge, dive deep, and ride the waves. It's most deff the summer of being gnarly bro. We're wicked stoked.

My blog post question for the day is ... what's the best part of water parks? The kinds of people you see, like the illiterate kiddies on the tube slide, either they were blind or couldn't count, quite possibly a combination of the two. Oh and hocking loogies every few minutes is foul as eff. The artsy lifeguard, hairy and chill as always.


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